What I Discovered in My Journal.

My Journal

 

Sitting cross-legged on my office floor digging through 20+ years of journals I was confronted with some awful realizations. I listen to lots of podcasts and audio books and that morning while chasing dog hair around my house with the vacuum cleaner I heard a speaker say she was an avid journal writer. She had my attention as I’ve written almost daily in Five Star Five Subject notebooks every morning for years. In fact, she went on to say, as much as 80% of her books came from the pages of her journals.

A person could pull content for a book from a journal? I’ve never aspired to write a book, mostly because I’ve seen books decomposing in sales bins and never wanted to be that author. Most of my journal writing is the drivel of daily life – what I did, what I didn’t do, what I should do, what I couldn’t do, what I wished I’d done…blah, blah, blah. But she got me thinking…perhaps all that writing hasn’t been pointless. What if I had already written a book, or ten, on the pages of my journal? I really was dubious about that but there’s no harm in checking it out. Perhaps I’m actually sitting on a box of deep wisdom that should be released to the world just like this speaker’s. Perhaps there was gold in that box masquerading as 25 years of life written in multi-coloured notebooks.

I hauled out the box, dusted it off, gingerly lifted the lid, plopped onto the floor and dug into words I’d penned as an expectant mom, a young mom, a homemaker, a pastor’s wife, a pet groomer, a lover of God and family.

Hours later and with one leg decidedly numb and the other given up for dead, I came to the conclusion that unless I’m writing “The Daily Drivel of a Moderately Depressed White Woman” there was nothing here worth anyone’s time! I was missing a few key ingredients for a Best-seller.  Like engaging content for one – too much to do and not enough sleep does not make thrilling reading. Heroines are always nice in a story – I unfortunately couldn’t find one in these pages. Overcoming the odds would be a worthy story line but these pages weren’t producing any of that either.

Hope, like the circulation in my legs, was squeezed out and numbness took over my lower extremities and my heart. What shook me the most was that the things I had struggled with 25 years ago, I was still struggling with! How can that be? Have I not grown and transformed? When my kids were little there was not enough time or money to do what I wanted to do, Page after page rolled by like a bad, low-budget movie. My children were born, weaned, schooled, released…and still the struggle droned on and on.

Circles.

I remember the first time I ever experienced a traffic circle. I was 14 years old and in Germany. A few of us were out to experience the night life of Germany. The friend’s boyfriend was driving and he introduced us to the thrill of  traffic circles. On the prairies, where I had spent all my years, life is in predictable grids with the occasional correction line to set things straight again. Whipping around the traffic circle, we screamed as only 14-year-old girls can which, of course, fuels a predictable reaction in young male drivers. He whipped the car around again…and again…and again. I learned later that scientifically when you are spun in circles the effect of centrifugal force makes it feel like you are going faster and faster, when in fact you are going the same speed. Science experiment aside, I can testify that is absolutely true and I was sure we were going to die. Seeing as I’m writing this, you know the end of the story.

We evaded death but the dizzying effect of circular motion has stayed with me. As I look back over the years I’ve continued to struggle with the same things. My to-do list is never-ending and so I make an effort to say no, to live aware of my limitations and take care of myself. But the to-do list grows. Money is like that too. There isn’t enough, so you make more and budget better and in the end, there isn’t enough to retire how I want to retire, to go all the places I want to go, to experience all I want to experience.

Digging through the journal pages I was horrified to discover the majority of my life, as recorded by my own hand, has been about not achieving, not finishing and not feeling good. So in response I moved faster, I tried harder, I worked more. Fast and furious makes a great movie but a disappointing life.

Circles. Like a vortex. Spinning and never delivering a final destination. Carousels and ferris wheels are great amusements but in life we need an off ramp.

Why did it take me 45+ years to learn the secret to getting out of the vortex? How did I not know that more action was not the answer? Do YOU know that more action isn’t the answer? Unless you stop looking for money to solve your problems, money will never solve your problems. When you can’t accept yourself as you are, you won’t accept yourself with what you become. When you’re waiting for the day when…that day will probably never come and if it does you’ll find yourself waiting for the next day when…

Isn’t it time for an off ramp? What are the off-ramps for a vicious self-perpetuated vortex? Sometimes the answer is simple. Any traffic circle has at least 3 or 4 ways out. Here are your available off-ramps:

  1. You’ve done enough. What you can get done in the day with the time and strength you have is enough. Can you bring yourself to accept that? If you don’t get it done perhaps it’s for someone else to do. Perhaps it didn’t need to be done. Perhaps it doesn’t matter. Perhaps hauling the weight of all you should do is actually slowing you down and limiting what you could do. Hauling it won’t make tomorrow better or easier. What you can do with the time and strength you have for today is enough.
  2. You have enough. There is nothing more out there that will bring you happiness that you don’t already have access to. What you have is enough. It’s craziness to work a job that you don’t love to live in a house you can’t afford and don’t have time to enjoy. It’s craziness to have freezers and cupboards and fridges full of food and constantly check the sales to bring in more and more. Enjoy fully what you already have. You have enough of all the things that are important.
  3. You are enough. You, being fully who you were created to be, fully engaged in developing your gifts and talents, is enough. You are enough.

Looking back I can re-frame what I see in my journals. I was searching for something I had. I have spent so much of my life running in circles chasing what is always just out of reach. I yearned when I should have been grateful. I asked for things hoping they would bring love and happiness when I was already surrounded by love and happiness. Since that day on the floor, I’ve changed how I journal. I write out my prayers more. I list what I’m thankful for. I’m trying to step out of the vortex but it’s a daily choice. When I feel the circle speed up I try to grab the appropriate off-ramp. I commit each day to believe that what God has given me in this day is all I need to lead an abundant life. He’s given me the gifts I need to fulfill my purpose. He’s given me all the resources I currently need to do what I am supposed to do. He’s created me and although I’m not perfect, I’m enough…and so are you.

What circles have you been caught in?  Start or join the conversation here or on Facebook.

2 thoughts on “What I Discovered in My Journal.”

  1. Enjoyed this read a lot.

    I can relate to hauling around the weight of all I ” should” do. I feel overly responsible and find it hard to not to be doing something ” worthwhile”. In the end I often spin my wheels and accomplish nothing or resent what I think I have to do.

    The trouble with saying I am enough being who I am supposed to be at this point, is that I don’t have a clue what that means for me. I’ve spent my life being so busy ( aka driven!) with family, career, ministry etc. What used to work doesn’t work any more but I’m not sure what to replace it with or how to find out. I’m definitely stuck in that area.

    1. Thanks for responding Betty Lynn. It certainly sounds like a transition time for you. Hopefully it can be exciting in some ways as you are able to explore who you really are and what you really are meant to be working at at this time. “Stuck” is certainly not easy but knowing you’re stuck and finding ways to address it is way ahead of distracting yourself or numbing yourself with something so you don’t notice! Thanks again

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