Trellis Coaching & Counselling

Supporting your Growth

Questions for Your Potential Counsellor

counsellor Kamloops

When I first moved to Kamloops I was not aware that finding a family doctor was going to be a struggle. Since then I’ve heard from many clients that finding a therapist, counsellor or psychologist is also a difficult process. I hope this information helps you find someone to work with.

If you haven’t already chosen a few potential therapists, here are some articles that might help:

Tips for Where to Search for a Therapist

2 Keys to Finding Your Best Therapist

Help Me Chose a Therapist.

So, now you’ve found a few potential therapists to work with and they are willing to have a brief conversation with you to see if you are a good fit. You now are left with the question: What should I ask?

What should you say? What shouldn’t you say?

How much is too much info? What is appropriate?

Questions for You to Choose From:

I recommend having a few chosen questions. Don’t drill the poor person! Decide which of these are important to you and focus on 2 – 4 of those. If they don’t matter to you, skip them.

How long have you been practicing?

This may or may not be a helpful question. Research is surprising in this area as it shows a new therapist is often as effective as a seasoned one! This question may be helpful to find out if this therapist has done this their whole life or if they have chosen counselling as a second career and are particularly passionate about how they help people. Years of practice can also be misleading when the person may have spent their life helping others in various roles (i.e. social work or non-profits) but only recently chose to move into private practice.

What licenses and certifications do you have and which professional organizations do you belong to?

This question is important because many of our provinces do not regulate counsellors. This is often news to people. Anyone (yes, literally anyone) can say they are a counsellor without having any training or being governed by ethical guidelines of a professional organization. You want to know this person you are giving your time and money to has been trained and has an organization behind them making sure they follow ethical practices.

If the answer comes back with a myriad of letters or certifications that you don’t understand, you should ask for clarity. Often people that are always learning forget that you may not have a clue about initials that they deal with everyday. This is also a chance to see if this counsellor can translate something you might not understand into basic language for you.

This question is also helpful if you are concerned about specific spiritual, cultural or gender issues. Don’t be shy about asking.

How much do you charge? What form of payment do you take?

It is super awkward to talk about money. It’s often awkward on both sides, but it is important. You don’t need the added stress of not knowing what you will be paying or how often. If you are not covered by insurance, there is often an option called a “sliding scale” that means the therapist may offer a reduced rate.

Have you had clients who were in a similar circumstance to my own?

Of course, you will have to share some of your situation. It is a good idea to have it written out in a sentence or two, what concisely you are looking for. Example: “I’ve been through a difficult relational breakup and I’m terrified of starting a new relationship for fear of going through the same thing.” “I’ve been having health issues and not sleeping well and my doctor suggested I should talk to someone about my stress.” “I have something that happened to me as a teen and I’ve never told anyone about it but wonder if it is affecting my current relationship.” Ending your statement with: “Is this something you’ve successfully worked with before?”

To be fair, your situation may be unique and they might not have dealt with it. But, in briefly sharing your situation, the therapist’s response should let you know if you are comfortable with how they will deal with the issue. Are they kind, empathetic and able to listen?

Describe your ideal client?

Different people fit with different therapists and the same is true the other direction. It’s good to know if your therapist loves working with teens, or because of their own history really connect with people going through certain difficulties. You may be their ideal client!

What do you see as being your strengths as a counsellor?

This is important to get a sense if you are a good match. Some counsellors say very little in session and are perfect for people that have a lot to say that no one has taken the time to listen to. Others are very directive and will give advice – which can be helpful or completely off-putting. Some balance those 2 things. The way they answer this question may give you insight into what working with them will be like.

Have you been in therapy yourself?

Unless you are looking for a therapist that knows it all and doesn’t need any help from anyone, this is an excellent question. Do they believe in the value of their craft enough that they use it themselves. I believe people that help people need their own people to help them process the stress of that.

Do you have a supervisor or do peer consultation?

Again, the answer to this question will let you know whether the person has a network of people that help support them or whether they are a lone wolf.

How often do you recommend clients come for therapy?

Research shows that starting into therapy, people progress fastest by having a few scheduled sessions about a week apart. Some therapists schedules do not allow for this. It is a good idea to know after the first session, how long will you have to wait for a second?

How many sessions or how long do people typically stay in therapy with you?

Again, this will not be important for everyone but you might want to have an idea. If you only wanted to have a check in every few months, is that something this therapist does.

What is a typical session like? How long are they?

Some therapists are relaxed and you get a full hour. Others will have you in and out in 40-45 minutes. Who sets the topic for the session? Are you expected to bring what you want to talk about? Or does the therapist expect to guide you where they think you need to go. Neither way is better but it’s good to know what to expect.

Do you assign homework?

This question is mostly important for those that feel strongly one way or the other. Some therapists always give you things to work on, some occasionally do and others don’t give between session assignments assuming you will process things as you need to. There is no right way, but it’s good to know what their usual method is.

How do I prepare for my first session?

Are there forms to fill out? What information will they be wanting? Some people prepare to give a recap of their life only to find out the session is taken up with finding out about more general mental health information of them and their extended family. Having clear direction often helps make the first session less stressful.

Conclusion

I hope this helps you find the right therapist in Kamloops. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call me at (833)630-2010 for a free 15 minute phone consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are an adult looking for help, feel free to look around my website.








Trish White is a counsellor in Kamloops, BC that wishes she’d had this list of questions before she went to a few counsellors that didn’t suit her style when she was looking for herself.





If you think her style of counselling might be what you are looking for, feel free to phone or text 833-630-2010 or email trish@trishwhite.ca









 
2 Keys to Finding the Best Therapist:




Best Counsellor





Finding the best therapist for you can be completely daunting.





First of all there are the questions of what are you looking for – do you need a psychiatrist, a counsellor, a psychologist, a social worker, a coach. What is the difference anyways?





Then there are all the different letters and certifications. Which is better? EMDR, EMT, ACT, CBT, DBT, or IFS? You almost need your own PhD to make sense of all the types of counselling and certifications. 





To make it even more confusing, the same initials can mean completely different things. For instance, EFT often stands for Emotionally Focussed Therapy – a type of Evidence Based Therapy that is excellent for couples counselling. But it also stands for Emotional Freedom Technique, a method of tapping on acupressure points that is also helpful for a number of people, but may not help you work out that issue with your partner!





How Do You Decide?





Well fortunately for you, this very thing has been studied and the answer isn’t complicated at all. When we get past all the letters and certifications, what is at the heart and soul of it? What do people find helpful? What is it that will actually help you? This has been studied and all the research compiled into a really big book, you can get for $70 off Amazon, but I’m about to save you all that $ now. (Unless you are a therapist with any combination of letters, you should probably buy the book!)





2 Keys to Finding the Best Therapist





According to the research, what works in therapy all boils down to two things:
1. Is this person someone I think I can work with?
2. Do I think/feel like this person could help me?





Those two questions are the absolute most important questions you can ask and should come before any other consideration.





Key #1:  Is this Someone I am Comfortable With?





These are the very first things you must focus on.
Do you feel comfortable with this therapist?
Do you find them relatable and authentic?
When they talk do you feel like they are a safe, helpful human that is honestly relating to you?
Do you feel heard?





You aren’t looking for a new best friend but the person in the room with you does have to be someone that you aren’t scared of.  They have to be a person who is able to help you feel at ease and makes it easier to talk about your struggles.  





Key #2:  Do You Think it will Work?





The placebo effect is a real thing. In every scientific study, some people are given fake pills and some are given the real deal. Oddly enough, for a predictable percentage of people, the placebo absolutely does work for them. Despite what is in the pill, if people believe it is going to work , it quite often does. There is no making sense of that.





The same is true in the counselling office. You need to feel that this particular counsellor’s approach will work for you. I can tell you if you don’t like the person you are seeing, if you think it’s not going to work, it absolutely won’t. Not a chance. You can pick the best credentialed therapist on the list but if you aren’t comfortable with them for whatever reason, you are wasting your time and money.





I think this is an especially important consideration with teenagers. I always recommend that parents do some background work and narrow the field down for their child. Then they should let the child decide.  The best therapist wont be effective if they, in some random way, remind your child of their creepy assistant coach. 





4 Helpful Tips: Style and Connection are More Important than Methodology and Credentials





Tip #1: Research





How do you find a therapist? You do some research. Head to Psychology Today or Lumino.  These are search engines designed to help you find a therapist. If you want some more tips to help with the search, here is an article you might find helpful: Finding a Therapist.  





Tip #2: Get a Feel for Their Style





Be sure to go to their websites.  Do they have blogs or videos where you can get a feel for their style? 





By style, I am referring to what appeals to you. Some people like counsellors that are highly empathetic and leave lots of quiet space.  Others prefer someone more cognitive who may be more inclined to educating them on how their brain or relationships work. Others like someone that can see the humour in the midst of the pain. 





Tip #3 What Has Worked For You in the Past





Think about the kind of people that have helped you in the past.  What was their most important characteristic that helped you? Was it that non-judgemental aunt?  That all-wise mentor?  That caring teacher? See if you can find someone with a similar vibe. 





Tip #4: Sign up for Free Consults





 If they offer a free consult, sign yourself up.  Remember, just because you have spent 15 minutes with them doesn’t mean you are obligated to take a first appointment.  Most counsellors actually want to help people that fit their style so they are not usually into high pressure sales (and beware if they are.)





I find my best clients are those that have read through some of my stuff, and something resonates with them. These are the clients, I really connect to and we are able to quickly get to deep healing work.










You can pick the best credentialed therapist but
 if you aren’t comfortable with them 
you are wasting your time and money.
Trish White










Finding the right counsellor may be the hardest part in this whole process of changing your life but it is so worth it. Getting that outside perspective, with someone who understands where you are coming from, is invaluable to be able to make choices that move you forward.





I guarantee there is a counsellor out there that can help you. All the best in your search. It is absolutely worth it.










Counsellor Kamloops


Trish is a counsellor who works with amazing people online or in person (if they are lucky enough to live in Kamloops and area.) She has successfully maneuvered the challenge of finding a fantastic grandparent-like therapist that works for her. 










Trish can be reached at 833-630-2010 (text preferred) or by email trish@trishwhite.ca









 
Finding a Therapist, Counsellor or Psychologist in Kamloops




Find a Counsellor in Kamloops





Before I moved to Kamloops, I never even thought that finding a doctor might be a problem.  Since then I’ve been told finding a therapist is no walk in the park either.  As a counsellor myself, I hope you find this information helpful in your search to find a counsellor in Kamloops.  We are out there and we want to help.  





Kamloops is great but…





Kamloops is an amazing little city.  It is just the right size to have all the amenities and small enough to run into people you know at Costco.  The terrain in and around Kamloops allows you to be active in every season through a wealth of sporting opportunities.  The weather lets you experience the thrill of all the seasons without any of them dragging on endlessly like winter in Winnipeg, or the never ending drizzle on the coast. 





I recently made Kamloops my home after toughing winter out on the prairies for too many years.  I have been told this last winter has been a harder one for Kamloops, but with temperatures staying in the minus single digits, I work hard to refrain myself from twirling in circles and yelling “I love it. I love it. I love it.”  Such behaviour gets you branded as an ex-Saskatchewanite pretty quickly.  





A challenge I didn’t expect moving to Kamloops has been finding out that having a family doctor could be years away.  I learned you either have to deal with whoever is at the walk-in clinic or you can get put on a waiting list that is about 3 years long!  That is a little troubling.  





Finding a Counsellor in Kamloops is Easier!





Fortunately, the search for a counsellor or therapist is much easier than it is for a doctor.  





Looking for a therapist can be a difficult task. If you google counsellor Kamloops, you will be faced with pages of listings of counselling offices that make it difficult to chose.  Too many of you have simply closed the browser and walked away, preferring Netflix instead.  I get it.  I’m afraid of being guilty of the same thing.  All the ‘what if’s’ pop up – “What if I find a counsellor and we don’t mesh?”  “What if they want to put me on medication?” “What if they are as crazy as I am?”





Then there’s the confusing question of “Do I need to a psychiatrist, psychologist, counsellor, therapist, social worker, spiritual director, life coach or shaman?  What is the difference between them anyways?  I won’t take the time to answer that here, but I’ll post the answer to that question eventually.  For the purpose of this article we will assume you are looking for someone to talk to that has been trained to listen and ask clarifying questions.  From here on in, I will call them “Counsellors ” although they may be psychologists, therapists, coaches etc. 





I want to help you find a counsellor in Kamloops that works for you by letting you in on a few important keys that will make your search easier.    





Counsellor Search Engines





Ideally a personal referral is best but there are other ways.  Let me introduce you to two amazing search websites made for finding counsellors, therapists and psychologists. There are more but these two will get you started:  





  1.  Psychology Today – the most popular place for therapists to list their practices.  Despite the name it’s not just for Psychologists.  Most counselling professionals advertise here.  
  2. Lumino – this site is hosted by Sunlife, so if you have insurance through them, this may be the way to go. It has unique features listed below.





1.  Psychology Today:  





If you search for counselling and your city chances are good Psychology Today pops up. This is the most common site for counsellors to list on.  Here are some items to help you in your search:





  • Your City: At the top is a search bar and you want to type your city in that bar.  That will narrow down your search. This list is random and the therapists  are rotated around. That means the ones at the top haven’t won a popularity contest or anything, it is simply their turn to be on the top.  You can scroll through and see if any of the jump out at you…well not literally, this isn’t Hogwarts.
  • What do you need help with?  It is helpful if you know what you are looking for help with.  Are you struggling with anxiety or depression? Grief? Relationship Issues? There is a drop-down at the top to pinpoint people that specialize in what you are dealing with.    
  • How long are you willing to wait? Are you looking for counselling fairly soon or months down the road?  As you scroll through you can often see those that have a waiting list so you wouldn’t be able to get in soon.  
  • Are you on a limited budget?  Look for Counsellors that say they have a sliding scale.  
  • Other Helpful Search Possibilities.  There are lots of ways to narrow down your search so it’s not so overwhelming – gender, race, spirituality.  
  • Online/In-person or Both?  Do you want the option of seeing them online sometimes, that will be listed too. 





Psychology Today also has short 15 second videos that give you a brief feel for the therapist and their style.  Check a few of those out





Read their blurbs then I would encourage you to pick 3 or 4 and go visit their websites. This will often give you a sense of the counsellor’s focus and style.  Pay attention to phrases that resonate with you. My experience has been those that have taken the time to read some of the pages on my website and still want to make an appointment, are the absolute best fit and have the best results from therapy.  





2.  Lumino:





Lumino has a couple great features that Psychology Today doesn’t have.  First it allows you from the main page to search for counsellors near your area.  Secondly, unlike Psychology Today, it is not a paid advertising site.  It allows people who have seen the counsellor listed to rate them.  Now be aware, not everyone takes the time to give a rating and not everyone rates fairly.  Take it into consideration like you would an Amazon or Google Review.  





Free Therapy Consultation in Kamloops










Many of the counsellors are willing to offer a free 15 minute consult.  If you are still undecided or have narrowed it down between a couple, this is a helpful service.  You will see this option listed on the bottom of their Psychology Today page.  





I hope this helps you find the right therapist for you within Kamloops.  If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call me at 833-630-2010 for a free 15 min phone consult.  I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person.  If you are looking for individual counselling, you can read more about how I can help here: Trellis Coaching & Counselling





For further help in the next steps, check out:





2 Keys to Finding the Best Therapist





Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist




















Counsellor Kamloops


Trish is a counsellor who works with amazing people online or in person (if they are lucky enough to live in Kamloops and area.) She has successfully maneuvered the challenge of finding a fantastic grandparent-like therapist that works for her. 










Trish can be reached at 833-630-2010 (text preferred) or by email trish@trishwhite.ca



















 
Untethered









Feeling a little disoriented? A year ago, while feeling like someone had cut my dock rope, I sat by the river and wrote the following words. I never hit ‘post.’ At the time, I felt alone in my disorientation. A year later, I find there is a great number of you that would join me on that riverbank, looking confused, wondering, “What Happened?” We feel “untethered.”





Untethered.





Set adrift. Cut loose.





Under normal circumstances, it is one of my favourite feelings in the world.





I crave the moment my kayak lifts loose from the rock bed and floats free. My stomach flips with excitement when airplane wheels tuck up to slumber away the flight. Both moments are rich with the floating sensation that you are untethered from terra firma and firmly in the hands of, what one hopes is, a capable pilot.










Many of our bucket lists moments are composed of dreams of being untethered. Floating in a hot air balloon. Hang gliding off cliffs. Throwing ourselves out of planes. A segment of us humans have a fascination with being free of the constraints that come with always being tied down by gravity.





On the flip side, the untethering moments of our lives produce the scariest moments for us. Job loss. Divorce. Diagnoses.
Even graduation – a celebratory event quickly followed by “What now?” These are those moments when stuff happens leaving you flying headlong and blind into uncharted territory.  Floating in a sea of fear feeling like someone or some thing with a mighty hand and sarcastic smirk has reached down and whacked away the rope that tied us to the dock.





Instead of soaring in wild-eyed wonder, fear and dread threaten to bring us crashing down.  





Rather than experiencing the lightness and thrill of being set free, we are instead dragged down by the anxieties of the unknown. 






Instead of unbounded freedom and choices, we become disabled by overwhelm and worry.





Seasons of Transition





Transition: The moment that bring us close to death also bring life.





I was surprised in prenatal classes to learn that there is a stage of labour and delivery called ‘transition.’





It happens in the moments before birth when labour culminates in a final show of force to launch this baby into the world. It’s an intense time marked by profound, instinctual power, giving birth to new life.





And it’s painful. Wickedly painful.
It’s out of our control.
And it can be a bit traumatizing.










Why couldn’t we be like butterflies? Snuggled in a cozy cocoon, assigned with eating our way out. Emerging into the world to discover, while you were immobilized, you’ve developed highly functional and completely gorgeous wings. You unfurl them in a glorious display and take off to feast on the milk from flower blossoms. No one was hurt or scarred in their development. There were no tears or screaming in the emerging.  (That might not be true!)





Human transitions simply aren’t that glorious.





As humans, our journey from one solid place to another seems to be filled with pain.  Unbearable moments of oxygen deprivation, screaming, crying, anger, bargaining, gasping, grasping, cutting, hopeless flailing and insane nastiness. Letting go, while hanging on for dear life. 





Where’s the Emotional Epidural When you Need one?





In transition, we are caught between the shore and a hopeful landing spot. We don’t even know what our destination will look like.










I can promise you that there is life after the transition. Babies enter the world every day. They and their brave mothers push through. They are caught in anticipating arms. Pulled in close. They grow quickly and never fit again into the space that once held them. They walk. They run. They laugh. Smile. They enjoy life…and you will too.





In the throes of transition though, there is nothing to do but go through it. Although we have epidurals for mothers, we don’t for babies. They just have to endure it. Babies have to be free from medication so, when they emerge, we can see they are fully alive and well with all systems functioning normally.





Seasons of Transition Give us Information in 3 Key areas





Being untethered puts a spotlight on crucial things that we wrestle with. It also shines a light on things we’ve done our best to avoid wrestling with.  Transitional seasons can show you what some of your next steps need to be when you get your feet back on the ground.





 I.  The Ability to Take Care of Ourselves: Body, Mind & Soul





When you’ve been untethered and you can’t catch a glimpse of a safe landing spot, the focus shifts back to basic survival skills. Have you developed the skills to provide the basics of life for yourself?  










Do you adequately ensure you get enough sleep, healthy intakes of food and drink, and are investing in giving and receiving love. These are foundational to being human and yet we seem to treat them as luxurious options to get to when our work is done.  





Transition is a time of discovering that being cared for is a gift we can give ourselves. Not because we’ve accomplished to check off the to-do list. Not because we’ve done anything to deserve it. Just because we are human.





Along with caring for your body, learning the skill of self-compassion can ease your mind.  For many of us, the inner critic has had free rein in the playground of our mind for too long.  In transition, that inner critic can go wild blaming the present situation on anyone and anything. It can turn it’s raging eye on you and your mistakes and shortcomings. All those mental gymnastics are wasted energy.  Unsettled times give us the opportunity to notice the unhelpful antics of this critic and step up to protect yourself from its damaging dialogue. It’s part of learning to look after yourself and care for yourself. Learn how to replace it with a kinder, more helpful voice.  





Give yourself the gift of self-compassion and self- care.  Focus on being a good parent to yourself. Throw self-loathing, self-pity and self-sacrifice overboard.





II.  The Quality of Your Support System











Butterflies seem to rock transitions.  They are almost completely autonomous. You aren’t. Humans are made for families, tribes and communities. Despite our bucket list desires to fly free, an equal cry of our heart is to be seen, heard and held. 





There is a reason we obsessively check our devices to see if someone has reached out.  We are in a constant search to know we matter to someone. 





Times of transition give us information about the quality of the support system we currently have.  It show us our need to rely on others and painfully reveals when there are holes in that support team.  





Even if you’ve struggled to find a place to fit, I’m convinced it is out there. You may have to step into some uncomfortable places to find them, but they are there. As a counsellor, I wish I could start a friend-matching service. So many people are lonely. Step out of that tight comfort zone and go find them. If you have that supportive community, open the edges and draw others in. 





III.  Unresolved Faith Issues





In transition, our faith is challenged on all kinds of levels. What we were taught may feel like a suffocating cacoon we need to crawl out of. Just as often, it may feel like a safe place to return to.  Transition can make what we believe clearer or more murky. 





Transition is the wrestling ground of faith. In Judeo-Christian teachings, we see the people of Israel in continuous transitions. The name Israel itself means “Wrestles with God.” When transitions force you to wrestle with what you believe, don’t believe, want to believe, and no longer can believe  – know you are surrounded by good, ancient company.





I can’t comprehend how huge pieces of metal, filled with people, can stay afloat on wind currents. But I know it happens all the time. I know there’s a scientific explanation for why my kayak keeps me out of the water, but it’s no less a miracle. When you’re between the shores of life, it often reveals the unanswered questions and issues of trust and faith. If you let it, transition can draw you a little deeper to see a greater picture, 





When we are stripped of our control, we have to rely on faith, in some form, to guide us through these transitional waters.  It fills the gap between the shores of life. Faith is believing when you aren’t experiencing it.
Faith is holding on and taking time to enjoy the ride when you don’t know the destination.






Faith is trusting when the tarmac gives way or the boat rumbles off the bottom, that there is a pilot at the helm that knows your destination even when you don’t.  That you are being buoyed up by forces you can neither imagine or explain that are working out a purpose in your life.





When your moorings are cut, and you find yourself adrift in transition, awake to the fact that there are even greater powers that are holding you up. You are being buoyed up and pushed to the surface by something way stronger than the dock rope.  If you’ve been depending on the rope to keep you safe, you may need to expand that view.  





The Thrill of Life Happens After the Unmooring





Transitions always take longer than we expect.  They are messier than we ever thought possible. They bring to the surface areas we need to work on that we may not have been previously aware of. They also draw out of us strength we never knew we had.










Journal Prompts





What is the hardest part of the transition you find yourself in?
Can you recognize moments in life when being cut loose actually helped you soar?





What has this transitional season showed you about your ability to care well for your body and mind?  What do you need more of?  Less of?





Who are the pillars in your tribe?  Are there holes in your support system?  What comfort zone might you have to step out of to find people to fill that gap? 






Untethered. Feelings of being set free is an illusion. Although we are untethered from one thing we are still held by another. What have you been set free from? What now holds you afloat?

















Trish is a counsellor who stays afloat by wrestling with issues of self-care, tribe reconciliations, and existential ponderings.





Need help maneuvering this transition?  I’d love to help. Email me : trish@trishwhite.ca; 





Phone or text: 639-630-2010 or 



Schedule an Appointment





Other Content that Might Interest You




 
Will You Get Through This?









Spoiler Alert!  Yes you will.  





On the Edge of Hopelessness





Almost every great movie or story reaches an “All is Lost” moment. The scene where the hero crashes against a formidable opponent and we sit on the edge of our seats wondering if they have what it takes to get through. We hand over money to see our hero bump up against foes almost too strong for them. We are drawn into wondering,: “Do they have want it takes?”
Batman gets his butt kicked by the evil Bain.
Darth Vader looms large in the space between Luke and the Emperor.
Julia Roberts sprints from the altar one more time.





Do they have what it takes to survive this? Perhaps the reason we are so willing to line up to watch characters rush to the edge of hopelessness, is because we have been forced to hang in that space in our every day lives.





“All is lost” moments are so much more exciting on the screen than in real life.





I know from my social media feeds that feeling on the edge of hopelessness is not a new moment for many of you. In record numbers we are rushing to that crucial ‘all is lost’ cliffhanger every day. Sometimes before breakfast! Will we make it through?





Like a wrestler pressed to the mat we wish we could tap out.





Some of us literally go buggy eyed at the thought of yet another zoom meeting with the top of someone’s head or staring up someone’s nostrils. I had an entire counselling session with a picture on a wall which, by the way, was preferable to the one I did with a client’s chest.





Our New Normal is Not at all Normal.





The newly dubbed Homeschool Mom or Dad, that is forced to oversee a mishmash of educational options without access to libraries, stores or sporting events.





Not a few of you are sweating over finances. Forced to play with unknown budget forecasts in order keep the business and the families afloat takes a tangible toll on our bodies.





The frontline workers pulling themselves out for their shift, acting like it’s ‘business as usual’ when it’s anything but. Forced to wear masks to protect against an invisible enemy while creating headaches to haul home.





Small quick errands have become half day excursions. My printer spit out its last bit of ink and I traipsed off to view the lineups at Walmart, Staples and London Drugs – only to find there seems to be a shortage on my printer’s particular ink. Why didn’t I just order online?. Well I did and what was supposed to be ready in 2 hours is now 2 days late. Things are frustratingly just not the same.





It’s okay if you need to press pause for a moment.
It’s okay to take a breath.





Like all the great movie heroes, you’re going to get through this. Your kids will not be forever scarred because they failed to get through their math page. The teacher will forgive you for missing that zoom call. Oh, you are the frustrated teacher? So much grace has to be available in both directions.





Sometimes the Best way to Pull it Together is to Fall Apart





There is just so much going on that we can’t control.





Perhaps we needed this bit of pandemic craziness to help us pull our lives back together.





Face it. Things weren’t all rosy before. We were in a reality we might not want to return to.  Too many of us were running too fast for too long just to stay above water. 





I’ve looked in wonder at how this latest generation of parents have raised the bar of expectations beyond what I feel is humanly possible for everyone. Have beautifully managed houses, while you always look fabulous with a fit body, while doing a side hustle, and making Pinterest worthy snacks for after the soccer practice while still finding time to send cute notes to those they love. That level of expectations really needed to come crashing down.





When you’ve reached your “all is lost” moment, here are some thoughts and reminders to help you pull it back to together when it’s all fallen apart. Any one of these tools are adequate to help you face this adversary with strength. Pick one or two to hang on to today and know you are not alone. We are all fumbling with our tools wondering if we have what it takes to get through this moment and onto some beautiful reprise.





1. Lower the Bar on Expectations.  





We set the bar height. We can lower it. If you are having a day where it seems the world within your walls has gone mad, drop the expectations. What you are going through is incredibly hard. No one has done this before. Breaking new ground has always been back-breaking work.





2.  Raise the bar on love.  





I know you want to raise responsible human beings. I know you’re worried about them falling behind and destroying their futures forever. It won’t. Everyone is in the same boat. Remember your first responsibility is not to churn out brilliant, capable humans. Your first responsible is to love them. Focus frazzled parent. Love. Everything else is secondary or just a stress inducing waste of time at the moment.  





If you aren’t dealing with kids right now, still make your focus love.  Being part of the machine that is churning out negative stories, isn’t helping you or those around you.  Churn out some love for those around you and for yourself.  





3.  Recognize the Push and Pull of Social Media  





We so desperately need social connection at this time. Unfortunately social media can quickly creep up the expectation bar that you’ve just lowered. Seeing the highlight reel of your friends’ fabulous lives is not helpful in that moment. If it’s not inspiring, but shame and guilt inducing instead – shut it down. Parents motivated by shame and guilt will only pass on shame and guilt. I’ve been there, done that. And besides, behind that highlight reel, you really don’t know what’s going on. Take it from a counsellor. You have no idea. Balance your pull for social connection with a call to an understanding friend instead of a passive scrolling through the feed.





4.  Create moments of silence. Quiet time.  (For Parents)





Find spaces of solitude. It’s crucial. I don’t want to pile on more “you shoulds” but developing some sort of shift schedule is crucial. Times when someone else is in charge and you can shut off. If you are parenting alone, you can’t feel guilty about letting screens give you those moments of quiet. My mom, a co-creator of 10 little humans, always enforced a quiet time after lunch. It was a time to get away from each other in your bed. They can read a book, draw, use their imagination, nap. Meanwhile you take your hot drink to a window and watch for birds and living things. Intentional breaks from the chaos.





5.   Expect and accept your space will be interrupted. (For Parents) 





You might as well just accept it . If you catch a moment alone, like on the toilet, someone or something will interrupt it. Expect it but don’t give up trying to find it. By expecting it, you forgo those moments of frustration when it happens and your mood turns worse than it was previously. It’s like expecting that when you’re driving in a city that you’ll have to stop at a red light. If you expect to get to the grocery store without ever having to stop, you’re going to be extremely frustrated. There are things like traffic lights and stop signs that will mess with that goal. But we’re smart enough to expect them. Very few of us rage at stop lights. It’s a pointless endeavour and we’ll never change it.  The same is true of mom or dad and kids. Expect delays for a change of clothes and detours for the forgotten blanket,. Somehow expecting the unexpected drains the emotion out of the situation.





6.  Celebrate the small wins.  





If you’ve lowered that bar and are accepting that there will be delays along the way, then when something (ANYTHING!) goes off without a hitch, take a “Yay me!”moment. Those are not the “this is the way should be” moments. Those instead are the victor’s triumph – You’ve persevered and made it through.





7.  Know this won’t last forever. 





“This too shall pass” is not a new statement. I remember the first time a seasoned mom said that to me and it felt like a weight lifted. Sometimes the most fearful thought that tumbles around in our heads is,”This is the way things will always be.” It’s not.  





You have what it takes to get through this.
You know how to love.
You know how to carve out moments of peace.
You know how to bust out a ray  of joy. 





You can do this.
These are the only truly important things right now. .





You’ll get through this. We’ll get through this together.





“All is Lost” moments are always followed by growth that changes. This chapter won’t last forever and you will be more resilient to face whatever comes next.





Trish White provides counselling for those needing clarity to get through the “all is lost” moments of life.
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