Sep 23 2019

…and Forget (Forgive, Part 2)

I have a fantastic capacity to forget all kinds of things…my keys, my glasses, to get meat out for dinner. My day is staccato-ed by panicked thoughts of…Where did I put my phone? What was the name of the person I just talked to. Did I lock that door?

I’ve wandered through parking lots having forgot where I parked. I forget friend’s birthdays, (Sorry!) That is unless I knew you as a teenager, then I magically remember, even though we haven’t had contact in 35 years! And if I do remember your birthday, it is usually at 5am the day before when you don’t want to hear from me. I forget what I just spent time reading. Sometimes I forget what I went upstairs for. More embarrassing forgetful moment include getting out of my car and forgetting to shut it off. Or the roast I forgot to cook and take to the school potluck…oops!

When I am able to forget so much on a regular basis, why is it not so easy to forget those things I desperately want to forget?

Forgive and forget? Whoever put those 2 words together?

Forgive and Forget. It is a beautiful and idyllic ideal, but is it reality?

Like the bullying incident mentioned in Pt 1, I can forget for lengthy periods of time but in a slow moment the memory comes flooding back. It rips off the bandage revealing a bloody wound where I thought a scar would have developed by now. It appears I’m more adept at burying things under busyness as opposed to forgetting them completely. Unfortunately those things that get buried under busyness and distraction get buried alive and usually manage to dig their way out.

Anyone who has lived through physical, emotional, or sexual abuse knows you never really forget. Ever.

Nor should you. Your brain tagged the event as significant for a reason. It is a design mechanism to protect you from similar situations recurring in the future. The pain may become less but moments seared on our consciences become part of our neural topography that make it impossible to forget. Intrusive memories rear their ugly heads when you least expect it and the flood of memories doesn’t seem to respect any wall you put around them.

Forgetting May Seem Impossible; Moving on is Always Possible

In Part 1, I relayed a story from my own adolescent years that still worms it’s way into my thoughts, uninvited and unrelentingly. We discussed forgiveness and I offered some suggestions to help you move ahead in your ability to forgive. If you need to catch up, you’ll find the post here: http://trishwhite.ca/forgive

If you are struggling to forgive and forget you’ll be happy to know the inability to forget does not forestall the ability to move on. Your body and brain can remember what has happened without holding you back in your goals, your purpose, or your relationships.

Releasing the expectation to forget what happened does need to eventually be replaced by not letting that event have a stranglehold on your present moments. To gain traction on that releasing, here are a few things to practice forgetting as you wrestle with forgiveness:

1. Forget Perfection and Embrace Improvement.

When you live in the world of perfection, you will always be wrestling with feeling like a failure. Perfection tells us that if we have forgiven, we will never be bothered by it again. That is just not true. Forgiveness is like an onion with layer after layer. Occasionally we are blessed with a clear slice to the core but usually it is a removing of layer after layer of how it has affected you. Perfection is a joy stealer. It constantly reminds you of how you don’t measure up. Adopting an improving and growing mindset allows you to acknowledge when more work needs to be done.

Shifting your focus from perfection to improvement opens the door to joy in every day. Instead of focussing on what you haven’t accomplished it shines a spotlight on what you have managed to move the needle on. Instead of forestalling any enjoyment until you are done and there are no bad feelings left, embracing improvement gives you permission to celebrate your smallest victories. Embrace the fact that forgiveness is a choice and may need to be revisited in the future.

2. Forget your Timelines but Don’t Forget Your Dreams

If you have been significantly hurt, chances are it has had a derailing effect in your life. Our minds and hearts churn and we are unable to meet deadlines and goals are often put on hold. Traumatic events take time to recover from. More time than you think. More time than you want to give them. You need time to retrain your brain to focus again. A traumatized brain becomes scattered. You may decide to read and you find your eyes are skimming the words and none of them are registering in your brain. This is normal. It takes time to heal.

The frustration of not being able to accomplish your goals though doesn’t mean you should throw out your goals. You just need to adjust the timeline you had set up. I hear many twenty-somethings begin to panic because their education has been delayed. They are not where they thought they’d be. Anxiety, depression, addiction, grief, and family issues have all stepped in and waylaid the graduation date. Letting go of what you thought you’d have accomplished at a certain age is important. Holding forth the vision of what you want to become though is equally important.

Sometimes delays make us want to throw our hands up and quit. That is like setting out for the grocery store and giving up when you hit the third red light. Don’t give up, just adjust the timeline. You’ll get there. You haven’t stopped learning. The school of life sometimes momentarily derails us. You are still learning sometimes even more important lessons than if you had accomplished your goals. Give yourself time to get on track and focus on small steps in that direction.

3. Forget the Words of the Bully in your Head and Focus on Encouraging Relationships.

The worst part of being bullied is that the voice of the bully can move into your head and becomes your own inner critic of everything you do. Learning to recognize that voice. Realize it has a noble albeit misguided agenda to keep you from being hurt.

Learn to listen to the encouragers and inspirers around you instead. I recognize that it a lot harder. We can have 10 people cheering us on but if one person criticizes us all our energies get focused on that one.

Sometimes the biggest gift of difficulties is the realization that you need to develop a better circle of support. Limit that which sucks the life out of you and spend time with those that bring joy. That’s right, if your social media feed drags you down, either don’t go there or block and limit and adjust what you’re seeing. You are in control of that. Consistently shift your focus from the debilitating inner critic to voices of encouragement.

“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people.” Brene Brown

4. Forget the Lies. Remember the Truth.

When negative circumstances take place in our life, we often pull meaning from the events. We let the event tell us something negative about ourselves. That we don’t matter. That we are unlovable. That we don’t belong. There are a host of lies that get reinforced day after day. You need to recognize these as lies and refresh yourself regularly with the truth.

I recently had the joy of holding my first grand baby. She’s an adorable, cuddly bundle of flesh. She is loved and valued by a whole community of people and yet, the dear thing, all she ever does is eat and poop and cry and sleep. That’s it. And I have to wonder when will she lose that and become less valuable, less lovable, less worthy of just being held? The answer is Never. Ever.

And so it is with you. At what point in your life did you become less valuable? Truth is, you haven’t. Don’t let the negative circumstances define who you are.

You need to forget those nasty labels and remind yourself that you are loved. That you have a right to belong. You need to remember that you and your voice and your gifts and your energy matter. You matter way more than you can ever know.

Forgiving is a Choice. Forgetting will Follow.

Whether it’s a moment or lifetime of moments that need your forgiveness, be assured that being attentive to the process will result in this memory not having a stranglehold on you. Hours, days, and eventually weeks will go by without the memory flooding in on you. And when it arises again, you can confidently see it as another invitation for deeper healing.

A beautiful outcropping of practicing forgetting these 5 things is that what you offer yourself, you can then offer to others. Your entire circle of friends will benefit when you begin noticing and celebrating the progress you see in others. The world is made a better place when you pursue the dreams that are placed in your heart. You become a gentler, kinder person when the bully in your own head is quieted. You start to stand up and be heard when you stop letting negative circumstances define you.

Conclusion

So that gorgeous fall morning that was hijacked by a nasty childhood memory actually gave me an invitation to develop my thoughts around forgiving and forgetting. Triggers like that signal a need for more space in life. Time spent in silence. A setting aside of distractions. It has allowed me to offer myself more self-compassion and wrestle with the parts of me that I’ve hidden away in response.

I’ve heard from a few of you who have wrestled with forgiveness in your own life. Thank you for sharing your stories. We always learn more about ourselves when we see honest sharing from others.

When that hurtful memory comes flooding in, instead of pushing it away, ask yourself:

What is the next step in forgiveness?

What do I need to work on forgetting?

What part of me still lies buried alive and is asking to be brought to life?

Trish White is a counsellor in Saskatoon, SK, Canada who daily wrestles with the joy made possible when she remembers to forget and forgive.

#101 – 1132 College Dr. – 1-306-988-4880 – trish@trishwhite.ca

Sep 16 2019

Forgive & Forget

It All Started When…

One beautiful sunny morning, with fall hanging crisp in the air, I was cruising down a tree framed street when an uninvited memory came crashing through my mind.

A glaring yellow sign alerted me that school was back in session. Groups of backpacked kids were scrambling across the street. An everyday sight on an everyday fall morning. No one in my sights was being bullied. No one looked left out. But seeing the gaggles of children was all my mind needed to escort me back to a humiliating scene from my own Grade 7 year.

Although I could easily stop my car, I couldn’t find the brakes for my memory as it crashed down on me, reaching into my guts to twist and torment my recently ingested breakfast.

I used to ignore those flashes but I’ve learned if you ignore your body long enough, it will get louder and louder, eventually speaking in ways it can no longer be ignored. Ask anyone who’s had a heart attack. Ask my chiropractor, my massage therapist and yes…my surgeon.

The picture playing out in my mind was blurry from 35 years in the archives but the cramping down below and the burning in my face was such that it felt like it was happening all over again. How can one stupid event in Jr. Hi still haunt me? How is it one day has the potential to ruin so many others?

The story isn’t a new one. It is a version of a very old script. A bully. An insecure girl. Insults and verbal mud. An arm twisted in unnatural ways. A head slammed into a bookshelf. Tears. Humiliation. Shame.

Let me be clear that this was no horrific #metoo movement moment. The scenario played out for no more than 5 mins. There were no external scars. No trips to the Emergency Centre or Crisis Centre. I can easily dismiss this cognitively as a moment that doesn’t matter in the scheme of life. “Really it was nothing.” she says with a fake smile, her eyes roaming the room for a shred of chocolate. And yet…

Here I am a mom, whose own kids have graduated, and I’m having physical symptoms when I drive past a shockingly mundane scene by a playground. Crazy right? Well…it might be crazy if it wasn’t so stinking common and we weren’t so adept at avoiding, numbing and distracting ourselves.

When I think back to that memory making day, the most painful part is not the physical piece. Instead the pain rises from an awareness that there were eyes in that room that either watched and didn’t jump to my defence or looked away and pretended not to see. Words and actions have a great capacity to hurt but silence and inaction are what etched a deep wound in my heart. Sometimes silence and inaction are what hurt us most. I’ve grown up, moved on, but those flash moments of burning memories make it obvious those events have never been eradicated from heart. How old will I be before I get over this? When will I forgive and forget?

When will I be able to forgive and forget?

On one level I feel like I have forgiven. I’ve grown enough to realize we were both kids finding our own way. I recognize those who bully others have their own issues and are just trying to survive in their own worlds. “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing” is a prayer I can align myself with. I honestly believe that. He wasn’t intending to destroy me or scar me so bad that my middle aged self would trip over it. The others in the room were simply bowing to a pre-written group dynamic. I am confident I could run into him and not smash his head into the nearest wall. (Okay…the fact that that just came out of my brain may mean I need work on a whole other level!)

I will admit that under the guise of perhaps wanting to extend forgiveness, I’ve played the part of internet sleuth. I’ve checked to see what Google, Facebook and LinkedIn have to say about this guy. In contrast to my pristine motive, I’ve hoped I’d find him fat, going bald in an absurd pattern and not being able to find a job due to his malicious character. Just being honest. (Can you forgive me?).

If life were like a tv program, he would end up in my counselling office seeking help for being bullied at work, presenting somewhat like Dwight Shrute from “The Office.” He, of course, wouldn’t recognize me and I’d show way too much curiosity in all the ways his fellow employees and management has made his life miserable. “Tell me more about that”, she says leaning forward with abnormally raised eyebrows!

Forgiveness is Not a Magic Pill. It is a Process, a Choice, a Commitment and a Tool on the Path to Reconciliation

Forgiveness is a hot topic in my counselling office. I admit to sometimes referring to it as the “f word.” I’ve come to believe, for each of us, forgiveness looks a little different. There is no magic formula or perfect time. Often if you are serious about it, it gets revisited over and over as the years go by. Rinse and Repeat. Rinse and Repeat.

It is complicated and I believe multi-faceted. I’ve seen it used as a weapon, unfortunately most often by mental health professionals and clergy. The message that is often sent is that if you would just forgive, something magical will then happen in your relationship. Everything will be better. It is in your hands to do. Unfortunately, it is often sold as a miracle pill that cures all. Forgiveness doesn’t change engrained patterns of behaviour. Forgiveness doesn’t alter personality. Forgiveness isn’t plastic surgery that removes scars. It can be a step in healing hurt in relationship but there are many more steps to follow. It is a process. It is a choice. It is a commitment.

I’ve heard many grown children reach out in forgiveness of their parents only to be disappointed by more blame, more deflection, more dismissing, and more hurtful words. Forgiveness can definitely change you, but it may have no effect on the other person. They get to wrestle with their own issues. They may not offer an apology in return. I see forgiveness as a tool used on the path of reconciliation. It is not the path itself.

I don’t want to dismiss it though. Forgiveness is an extremely important tool as we all know people that have held grudges and bitterness for years only hurting themselves. There is truth in St. Augustine’s quote “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” But there’s also truth in knowing if you swallow the magic pill of forgiveness, everyone will not necessarily live happily ever after.

Wrestling with forgiveness is a necessary act that needs to be revisited with regularity and honesty. If you are in the process of working through forgiving someone, I have some suggestions that I hope may be a suggested starting place.

The Most Important Person You Need to Forgive is You

My internet searches for the person that caused me the most angst in my teenage years have turned up fruitless. <Insert sigh of relief>. I am, at present, completely off the hook for any reconciliatory exchange. But, let’s be honest, the matter is not over as it’s still me whose stomach rolls and stumbles when I drive by groups of kids in playgrounds.

The fact that decades later I’m still affected by those events are worth looking into. In the words of Brene Brown. “Forgiveness is not forgetting or walking away from accountability or condoning a hurtful act; it’s the process of taking back and healing our lives so we can truly live.” She references an excellent book by Desmond Tutu that outlines a path to forgiveness and her comments about their work is significant: “What the Tutus found in their work on forgiveness validates not just the importance of naming our experiences and owning our stories but also how rumbling with a process can lead to clarity, wisdom and self-love.” (Rising Strong. Brene Brown. 2015)

So how do I deal with this? How do you rumble with forgiveness? For the full version visit Brene Brown’s and Desmond Tutu’s work. I’d like to focus on that last word – ‘self-love’ as a significant part of the process of forgiveness.

I’m the Victim here, Why Do I Need to Forgive?

In the Grade 7 scenario mentioned above, what do I have to forgive myself for? I was clearly an innocent victim. Yet as the years as rolled on I’ve come to realize that this offending person hurt me only once in a 5 minute block of time…and I in turn have hurt myself a million times by going over the painful details. He may have had a particularly bad day that he has regretted but I have let it ruin countless days since.

I was the one who internalized the messages:

“You have no value.”

“You are laughable”

“You are pathetic”

“No one really cares.”.

I was the one who hung on to those messages and pulled them up at other hurtful moments in my life to compound other problems.

I was the one who allowed the voice of the bully to live inside my head and beat me up over and over again. He had nothing to do with the ways I continued to hurt my own self from that one event.

The same is true of so many of my clients. Criticism by a superior has ruined and sometimes immobilized many an employee. Harsh words by a parent have caused issues in many a marriage. Our internal stuff that we are medicating, numbing, distracting from and avoiding comes back to hurt us over and over.

See With New Eyes

I found this statue while shopping one day. It may have been originally designed to signify a mother and daughter, but I stood there with a different message being pulled from the graceful lines. The older, wiser women is looking back at the younger one with grace and love. She doesn’t have eyes but her entire body speaks of encouragement and warmth.

Standing in Home Sense, staring at this piece as if I was in an art museum, I realized this posture is exactly what I needed for the next step of forgiveness. These two figures are identical and perhaps, instead of mother and daughter, it could signify an older me and a younger me. An older you and a younger you.

Can I look back at what I had come to see as a pathetic, insecure, ugly teenager who not only didn’t know how to dress but didn’t have the money to dress any different and offer grace and love. Can I offer empathy to my own self and let the shame melt away?

Can I forgive myself for not being fully put together?

Can I forgive myself for not knowing how to reach out and tell someone what I was going through?

Can I stop beating myself up when those old insecurities rise to the surface?

Can I squelch the voice of the bully that tempts me to mould myself into something I’m not so no one will make fun of me?

Can I forgive myself for being immature, incomplete and in process?

Offer Yourself First What You Want to Offer to Others

Whenever you serve a meal, chances are good you’ve tried the recipe before you offer it to your guests. It gets tested ahead of time and perfected. Tasting, testing and adjusting as you go along. It’s the same with forgiveness. It’s a process, that is sometimes messy and needs adjusting and tweaking as life in relationship rolls out. Testing your own ability to offer grace and love by trying it out on yourself will improve the flavour of it as you serve it to the people around you.

Forgiving yourself releases a flow within you. It allows you to grow. It puts the brakes on relentless criticizing and frees your mind to create and engage in warm relationships. Richard Rohr states, “In the end, the face we turn toward ourself is the face we will turn toward the outer world.” When you can learn to offer it to yourself, it naturally can flow out of yourself to others.

If you are struggling to forgive, perhaps the place you need to start is to forgive yourself.

Can you look back at your younger self and forgive yourself for not being fully mature?

Can you forgive yourself for not knowing what you’d never been taught?

Can you forgive yourself for not having the tools passed down to you that you needed to build healthy relationships?

Can you look back at your younger self with grace and love?

Can you stop re-wounding yourself for not being perfect?

Can you forgive yourself?

It may seem self-centred to turn the forgiveness inward but we all know wounded people wound other people. I also know when I’m busy trying to ignore the pain that rises from past situations I’m not at my best with the people in my world. My energies are already turned inward but not in a positive way. When your self-talk is berating and negative and cricizing, you can not be fully free and present in your work or your relationships.

What do you need to do to forgive yourself? Remember, this is a process, not a one-time event. It’s a daily choosing to not beat ourselves up for past events.

In the next post, we’ll continue this theme and look at what will be helpful to forget in this process.

Trish White is a counsellor in Saskatoon grateful to be able to witness the resilience of people as they forge new chapters.

#101 – 1132 College Dr. – 1-306-988-4880 – trish@trishwhite.ca

May 14 2019

The Pain of Becoming Something New

Lessons from a Luna Moth

Several months ago I watched a video of a luna moth that was making its rounds on Facebook. This tiny little caterpillar, as small as a pine needle kept growing and changing. Every so often, it would stop and wiggle and jolt and burst its way out of its skin. Then it would eat and eat, and before too long it happened again.

Don’t you think that would hurt? What’s it feel like when the very skin that has housed and protected you becomes too tight and you literally have to crawl out of it.

I get to see glimpses of this transformation every day in my office. People come in unaware that they’ve grown too big for their space. Their ideologies have changed. Their relationships have become stunted. Their jobs provide a pay cheque and very little else. They know something isn’t right and they are in the painful growth process of transformation.

I sometimes think anxiety and depression serve us in this way. They can make us painfully aware that something in our life isn’t working right now. A shift needs to happen.

Pain of Transition

We love the idea of metamorphosis but, being human, I suspect we struggle, more than caterpillars do, with the process. I’m of the belief that part of the problem is our brain. Although it has amazing capabilities, one of its flaws seems to be a tendency to resist change. It would rather you stay safe and small than risk the pain of metamorphosis.

And be sure metamorphosis, we now know, is a painful process. The mystery of what happened inside a cocoon was just that…a complete mystery. Now though, through modern technology, scientists have been able to see what happens in the days and weeks that the caterpillar is holed up in its cocoon.

And it’s gross. It’s not a beautiful rendering of painless growth. It’s not the awe inspiring sprouting and growing of beautiful wings ready to unfurl and lift the caterpillar to new heights.

Nope, that version is not real life.

Science blew the lid off that idyllic picture. Instead our poor little caterpillar, after already undergoing many painful skin shedding episodes, now completely dissolves in its own gastric juices!

There may be Moments You Don’t Recognize Yourself

That’s right. Almost total anhilation of what it was before. If you open the cocoon at the right time (please don’t do this!) you will find our caterpillar friend is nothing but goop. I bet he wouldn’t even recognize himself.

Some of you have been there haven’t you? All of a sudden you no longer recognize what you have become. Where once you enjoyed life, now you feel more like a pointless blob.

To make matters worse, we have audio samples of what it sounds like in the cocoon too! “In a lab at UCLA, scientists use high-tech tactile microscopes to read the vibrations inside the chrysalis. Those vibrations are then transformed to audio…The sounds are like that of an agonizing cry.” (Heuertz, Phileena. Pilgrimage of a Soul. 2010 quoting “The Secret Life of Butterflies,” Studio 360, NPR, KIOS 91.5, Omaha, Nebraska, Dec. 8, 2007).

While we picture a painless, smooth transition, instead our poor little friend is cut off from the world, slowly disintegrating into primordial goop in the dark with no one to reassure him there will be a better day tomorrow.

Now, we all know, it’s only a matter of time before the process completes and the butterfly emerges, unfurls its wings and takes off on a whole new adventure. But, when it was trapped in that painful darkness, did it have a clue what was in store for him or her? Did it know when it felt all alone that there was an entire world eager for its emerging self? Do you know that about yourself?

You Were Created for a Purpose

Scientists also tell us that butterflies have memory of their caterpillar days. Apparently puzzles they learned as a kindergarten caterpillars are able to be solved in their winged state.

I find that fascinating. We too remember the past. We remember what we were. I think perhaps the best gift of the butterfly is a reminder that you really don’t know what you are becoming. Press into it though. Go with what lies ahead. Resist the urge to stop growing. Don’t let your brain or any of your friends convince you to stop changing. Don’t give up because the pain is too much. You are morphing into something new.

Your Wings are in the Making

Have patience. Like the caterpillar, you must shed layer after layer. You may have to spend time in the dark. You may be cut off from previously important people in your life. You may become unrecognizable for a period. Press on. Your wings are in the making, beautiful thing.

Take some time and watch this video as you ponder what is beginning to feel too small in your world. Ask yourself where you are in this process. Remind yourself that your wings are in the making.

Trish White is a counsellor in Saskatoon, SK, that has a string of shed skins behind her. Find out more how she can help you shed that skin that isn’t fitting here: https//trishwhite.ca

Sep 01 2018

How to Take a Day Off!

Intellectually, this is a no-brainer. In reality, too many of us resist doing it.

When we have a day that is technically not a work day and we cram it full of activities that drain us, people who suck the life out of us and busy-ness that leaves our soul tired and empty.

You need to take a day off.

Regularly.

WHY?

Just as music without a rhythm is just noise; life without a cadence becomes intolerable.

Taking a day off, let’s you relinquish the control you struggle so hard to hang on to.

It is a statement that life can, and will, go on without you.

Anxiety and depression levels in children are at an unbearable high. Kids younger than 10 are getting ulcers. Teenagers are getting sucked into addiction. Our young adults are being crippled by anxiety and depression. We live in the most privileged society and yet our stress levels are higher than those in countries struggling to put food on the table.

Health is contagious. We need you to be healthy so you can spread a bit of health into the world.

Your community needs you to refresh so you have the energy to respond to the needs around you in love.

You carry something within you that no one else has but you have to be rejuvenated so you carry that spark of joy into the lives of people you don’t know. So you have the calmness of peace that makes space for someone whose peace has been snatched away.

The world is a crazy place and that craziness seeps into your world. Taking a day off is a rebellious act of holding back the craziness so it doesn’t infiltrate every area of your life.

How?

It should be straight forward, but for many of us we’ve forgotten how to actually take time off unless we are on a vacation somewhere. This needs to happen regularly. Here are some tips:

Tip #1: Decide on the days.

Grab your calendar…literally. On your wall. On your phone. Make sure you have all your calendars. Then, choose 4 days in the next 4 weeks and put a circle around them. This takes some pre-planning. Think and notice what is going on. Don’t schedule it when you have something else on the calendar. Family days can be, but are not necessarily, days off. Know your life, your work requirements and your family needs.

Choose carefully. Your aim is for 24 hours off. It can be any 24 hours on any day of the week you are not working. Sundown on Friday to Sundown on Saturday. Sunday noon to Monday noon. All day one day. If you can’t make 24 hrs, start with the number of hours you can commit to.

Tip #2: Make a Plan to Say No

Say no to incessant demands. This is not a day for catching up on your to-do list. Leave the laundry, it will be there tomorrow. Emails can wait. The lawn can wait another day. The exception is, if you find the activity exceptionally therapeutic then by all means do it. But the minute it becomes a chore or a burden, re-evaluate it.

Say no to all the people who you regularly put their needs above your own. This is not a day where someone else’s agenda trumps your own…unless you make a conscious choice to share your day. This is not about being mean – it’s about being kind to yourself so you can give yourself fully the other 6 days of the week. You are balancing input and output.

You have to choose to protect this day. (You may need to go back and review some of the reasons why are doing this so you have the stamina to hold back the barrage of requests that will come from you and everyone else.)

Tip #3: Wrestle with Resistance

I’m sure it’s already happened. Your brain has already started a list as to why this won’t work. If you really want to change your life, write down that mental list of why you can’t take a day off. Here is what my (partial!) list looked like:

Something is going to happen to derail your plan so you might as well not even start.
My family needs me.
I get a little panicky wondering what I’m going to do with my time.
It feels selfish to even think about this. After all shouldn’t I be putting people first.
I don’t have to actually schedule it; I’ll just take a day off when I can.
I have to run a business, if I don’t get back to people I’ll lose business.

Tip #4: Rebel against the resistance.

Once those are out of your head and on paper, they don’t seem as powerful. Take the time to write down some good arguments as to why these reasons are faulty. Here are my arguments:

Something is going to happen to derail your plan so you might as well not even start. This is all or nothing thinking. It stops you from ever trying anything new. It stops you from growing.
My family needs me. Of course they do, but they need me healthy. If I were to die, they’d figure out how to do things and go on without me. Why do I think I’m so irreplaceable? What will they learn to do for themselves if I give them the chance. (this ended up filling up a journal page, I’ll spare you the gory details!)
I get a little panicky wondering what I’m going to do with my time. Oh…that’s a surprising twist. We’ll figure it out. We’re going to explore enjoyment.
It feels selfish to even think about this. After all shouldn’t I be putting people first. Making sure I’m mentally healthy IS putting people first.. it’s only 24 hrs, I’ll be back tomorrow.
I don’t have to actually schedule it; I’ll just take a day off when I can. Yah…we both know that’s not going to happen.
I have to run a business, if I don’t get back to people I’ll lose business. Demanding people don’t create the kind of business you want anyways. Those that allow you time to refresh are the kind of clients and people you want in your world.

Tip #5: Keep it Simple

It’s a curious thing that first the brain comes up with reasons why you can’t do it, then once you’ve worked through some of those, it then jumps on board and makes the day off a bigger deal than it needs to be. You make the decision to take a day off, your brain fights it and does a 180 and starts to dream up rejuvenating schemes so big you don’t have the energy or money to accomplish it. Keep it simple.

Tip #6: Think through contingency plans:

Who do you need to let know that you are taking 24 hours off? Who is better off not knowing?
Parents, especially of young kids, may not be able to take an entire 24 hours off. You can make plans to make it easier on yourself. What hours can you take off? Start small. If you can only take a couple of hours off, accept that and make the most of them. The day will come when you can expand the time.
What will you do for meals? Think take out. Make ahead. Eat out. Think simple – crackers, cheese, sliced veg and fruit served on a napkin make up a meal with no dishes to do.
Think creatively. When my kids were in elementary school, I never cooked Sunday suppers. They were allowed to get their own food as long as they made it look like they were never in the kitchen. It took some training. It was never perfect. I do think it taught them that they had the skills to look after themselves. I know families that have popcorn for supper on Sundays. Some have cereal. I know others that have ice cream. I know some of you are cringing but think about what you can do. What you are willing to let go of?
How will you handle your electronics? Can you put your phone away? Can you put it on airplane mode for sections of time?

Tip #7: Explore new things. Revisit old loves.

Thinking about what you want to do ahead of time will make this day special.

What refreshes you?
What brings you joy? Experiment with that.
Try a new book genre. Read for fun, not learning.
Make a playlist of songs that are meaningful to you.
Who pours life into your world? You might want to plan a relaxing activity with those people.
Who sucks the life out of you? How can you set up a boundary to limit their access to you for that time?
What is a craft or hobby that you’ve wanted to try, or return to, that you never have time?
If you have to do necessary things, how can you adjust your mindset so you are doing them from an unhurried place?
How can you incorporate time in nature into this day?

Tip #8: Enjoy your freedom!

Over 2000 years ago, ancient writings tell us the story of a people who were being emancipated from slavery. It is at this juncture when they were given the 10 Commandments. The commandments were rules for living now that they, for the first time in their lives, could make choices for themselves. One of those rules was to “Remember the Sabbath Day and keep it holy.” Holy simply means set apart. What a gift! Previously they were forced to work 7 days a week without a break and with no choice in the matter. Now they are being told to take one day and set it apart – make it different from the other days..

Here we are centuries later, enslaving ourselves. Taking away our own freedom and becoming a slave to cultural expectations, our electronics, and our selves.

Are you living in slavery or as a free person? Who or what has you enslaved?

Live free. Enjoy your freedom. Rejuvenate. Refresh. Re-create yourself.

Be kind to yourself! Take a day off.

Do you struggle to take time off? Join our free 30-day challenge and explore a daily two minutes of self-care to rejuvenate your life.

Mar 10 2017

Selfishness vs Self-Care

Selfishness vs. Self-care

A few years ago I had a counsellor suggest to me that I needed to work on self-care. I thought my self-care was fine.

I eat mostly healthy – especially if you consider chocolate a health food.

I exercise – sometimes sporadically but I’m regular in my irregularity.

I visit my chiropractor and massage therapist regularly – once a year is regular right?

What I didn’t know (besides this previously noted self-delusion) is that there was a whole area of self-care I was neglecting. I had never paid attention to what was really going on in my mind.

Learning to pay attention to what is really going on inside me has been a challenging lesson.

My mind stewed in a lot of half-truths – Just put your head down and work harder and everything will be okay.

It clung to a few lies – You really have nothing to offer here.

It blatantly ignored several truths – You’re bored and lonely.

I truly needed some self-care but my view of self-care was skewed…thankfully, when you go through enough life crises, they have the potential of sorting that out.

Grab Your Oxygen Mask!

We all know too well the reference to the oxygen masks in airplanes – you have to put yours on first before you can help those around you. That analogy is so overused because it is so desperately true. You can’t help others if you are gasping for air and about to pass out. Grabbing that oxygen mask is crucial so you can continue to give to the world. I repeatedly say, “There are people out there that need you to be fully who you were created to me.” The world needs you to show up but first you have to stop being selfish and learn to take care of yourself. Does that sound like a contradiction? Let’s explore the difference between selfishness and self-care…(and by the way, you can do both on a beach!)

Selfishness vs. Self-Care

Self-care involves paying attention to your body, your mind and your soul.

Selfishness involves ignoring those things and listening to the urgent, the immediate and the cravings.

Selfishness says “I deserve ________ (a drink, this food, this binge-watching). Selfishness says you deserve all kinds of things that don’t result in health. Selfishness chooses to deal with stress in ways that eventually cause more stress. The drinks and food lead to weight gain which leads to more negative talk or even self-loathing which drives you back to the food and drink. Selfishness is a cycle of craziness.

Self-care says, “I will feed my body well. I will look after it with movement that challenges and strengthens it. I will pay attention to the pain that is trying to communicate something to me.”

Selfishness ignores the depression, the anxiety, the pain in the neck and shoulders, and the churning stomach. It tells you you’re too busy. It convinces you that stuff is normal for people who are doing important things like what you are doing.

Selfishness Ignores Depression, Anxiety and Pain. Self-care Pays Attention

Self-care though says, “It’s time you started to pay attention to what is going on in your body. It’s time you dropped the guilt about taking time for yourself and start taking steps that lead to health in the future. It’s time to stop ignoring that pain. Your body has a nasty way of forcing itself to be heard…one day it may force you into recovery. Listen to it before it chooses to completely shut down your frenetic activity. Yes, you are doing important things but you need to be able to continue those things and so much more far into the future.

Selfishness demands you overwork and place extreme demands on your body.

Self Care balances challenging yourself with adequate recovery time.

Selfishness tries to appease the negative thoughts with immediate gratification – buy something, eat something, watch something. Selfishness ignores the deeper implications and looks at the immediate now. It ignores the negative thoughts and paints it over with some positive platitude. There is a place for thinking positive. There is a place for gratitude but neither of those come at the expense of paying attention to what is truly going on in your mind.

Self-care means taking time for quiet and solitude. It means paying attention to those voices you’ve ignored or silenced for too long. What are you really feeling that you’ve ignored for too long? What are the thoughts behind those feelings? Are those thoughts true? Write them down. Take the time to journal it. Look at it. Find someone to talk to about it.

Selfishness Allows the Inner Critic to Carry On; Self-Care Learns to Not Listen

Selfishness allows that inner criticizing to carry on. On the surface that doesn’t seem selfish but that negative inner critic will keep you from developing. It will stop you from connecting with people who need you. It will hold you back.

Self-care means paying attention to that negative inner critic, finding out where it is coming from and learning to push past it’s limiting voice.

Selfishness – ignores that you might have a greater purpose. Selfishness doesn’t allow you to go deeper spiritually. It demands a perfect outward appearance so people think you’ve got it all together. Selfishness keeps you busy. Running. Juggling every little thing so you look perfect on the outside. Selfishness is satisfied with surface, polite prayers. It whips off “God bless you. God bless me.” fast prayers.

Self-care works toward peace – not just for everyone else but also for yourself.

Self-care acknowledges that you aren’t perfect and your life isn’t perfect. It allows space for letting some things go. It focuses on progress not perfection. It works for peace – not just for everyone else but also for you. It pays attention and evaluates those things that are driving you and those things that are holding you back.

Selfishness forces you into roles – the martyr, the hero, the victim. Self-care recognizes Jesus died so you don’t have to. God is the hero not you. Both of them do what they do so you are not a victim.

Selfishness cycles crazy busyness. Self-care takes time to read and reflect.

Selfishness stuffs. Self-care ponders and prays

Selfishness recites empty prayers. Self-care involves messy prayers…honest prayers.

Selfishness stays alone, disconnected, unheard. Self-care reaches out, connects, communicates.

Selfishness is about getting what you want now, in the easiest, fastest way. Self-care is about getting what you need in whatever time it takes.

Selfishness Isolates; Self-Care Connects

A few years ago, my chiropractor pushed his finger into a spot in my back sending me bolt upright. “That,” he says, “is a problem with family, finances or future. Which is it?” To which I snapped, “None of your business. You’re my chiropractor, not my counsellor. Just fix it.” Looking back, he was so right. I was so ignorant to what my own body was telling me. 6 surgeries and several crises later, I understand. That doesn’t mean I have it all figured out but I’m working on it. Are you?

What have you learned about self-care? What unique lesson has your body taught you? I’d Iove to hear about it.

Grab your free Self-Care Recording Sheet here!