Trellis Coaching & Counselling

Saskatoon Counsellor Supporting your Growth

Untethered

Feeling a little disoriented? A year ago, while feeling like someone had cut my dock rope, I sat by the river and wrote the following words. I never hit ‘post.’ At the time, I felt alone in my disorientation. A year later, I find there is a great number of you that would join me on that riverbank, looking confused, wondering, “What Happened?” We feel “untethered.”

Untethered.

Set adrift. Cut loose.

Under normal circumstances, it is one of my favourite feelings in the world.

I crave the moment my kayak lifts loose from the rock bed and floats free. My stomach flips with excitement when airplane wheels tuck up to slumber away the flight. Both moments are rich with the floating sensation that you are untethered from terra firma and firmly in the hands of, what one hopes is, a capable pilot.

Many of our bucket lists moments are composed of dreams of being untethered. Floating in a hot air balloon. Hang gliding off cliffs. Throwing ourselves out of planes. A segment of us humans have a fascination with being free of the constraints that come with always being tied down by gravity.

On the flip side, the untethering moments of our lives produce the scariest moments for us. Job loss. Divorce. Diagnoses.
Even graduation – a celebratory event quickly followed by “What now?” These are those moments when stuff happens leaving you flying headlong and blind into uncharted territory. Floating in a sea of fear feeling like someone or some thing with a mighty hand and sarcastic smirk has reached down and whacked away the rope that tied us to the dock.

Instead of soaring in wild-eyed wonder, fear and dread threaten to bring us crashing down.

Rather than experiencing the lightness and thrill of being set free, we are instead dragged down by the anxieties of the unknown.


Instead of unbounded freedom and choices, we become disabled by overwhelm and worry.

Seasons of Transition

Transition: The moment that bring us close to death also bring life.

I was surprised in prenatal classes to learn that there is a stage of labour and delivery called ‘transition.’

It happens in the moments before birth when labour culminates in a final show of force to launch this baby into the world. It’s an intense time marked by profound, instinctual power, giving birth to new life.

And it’s painful. Wickedly painful.
It’s out of our control.
And it can be a bit traumatizing.

Why couldn’t we be like butterflies? Snuggled in a cozy cocoon, assigned with eating our way out. Emerging into the world to discover, while you were immobilized, you’ve developed highly functional and completely gorgeous wings. You unfurl them in a glorious display and take off to feast on the milk from flower blossoms. No one was hurt or scarred in their development. There were no tears or screaming in the emerging. (That might not be true!)

Human transitions simply aren’t that glorious.

As humans, our journey from one solid place to another seems to be filled with pain. Unbearable moments of oxygen deprivation, screaming, crying, anger, bargaining, gasping, grasping, cutting, hopeless flailing and insane nastiness. Letting go, while hanging on for dear life.

Where’s the Emotional Epidural When you Need one?

In transition, we are caught between the shore and a hopeful landing spot. We don’t even know what our destination will look like.

I can promise you that there is life after the transition. Babies enter the world every day. They and their brave mothers push through. They are caught in anticipating arms. Pulled in close. They grow quickly and never fit again into the space that once held them. They walk. They run. They laugh. Smile. They enjoy life…and you will too.

In the throes of transition though, there is nothing to do but go through it. Although we have epidurals for mothers, we don’t for babies. They just have to endure it. Babies have to be free from medication so, when they emerge, we can see they are fully alive and well with all systems functioning normally.

Seasons of Transition Give us Information in 3 Key areas

Being untethered puts a spotlight on crucial things that we wrestle with. It also shines a light on things we’ve done our best to avoid wrestling with. Transitional seasons can show you what some of your next steps need to be when you get your feet back on the ground.

I. The Ability to Take Care of Ourselves: Body, Mind & Soul

When you’ve been untethered and you can’t catch a glimpse of a safe landing spot, the focus shifts back to basic survival skills. Have you developed the skills to provide the basics of life for yourself?

Do you adequately ensure you get enough sleep, healthy intakes of food and drink, and are investing in giving and receiving love. These are foundational to being human and yet we seem to treat them as luxurious options to get to when our work is done.

Transition is a time of discovering that being cared for is a gift we can give ourselves. Not because we’ve accomplished to check off the to-do list. Not because we’ve done anything to deserve it. Just because we are human.

Along with caring for your body, learning the skill of self-compassion can ease your mind. For many of us, the inner critic has had free rein in the playground of our mind for too long. In transition, that inner critic can go wild blaming the present situation on anyone and anything. It can turn it’s raging eye on you and your mistakes and shortcomings. All those mental gymnastics are wasted energy. Unsettled times give us the opportunity to notice the unhelpful antics of this critic and step up to protect yourself from its damaging dialogue. It’s part of learning to look after yourself and care for yourself. Learn how to replace it with a kinder, more helpful voice.

Give yourself the gift of self-compassion and self- care. Focus on being a good parent to yourself. Throw self-loathing, self-pity and self-sacrifice overboard.

II. The Quality of Your Support System


Butterflies seem to rock transitions. They are almost completely autonomous. You aren’t. Humans are made for families, tribes and communities. Despite our bucket list desires to fly free, an equal cry of our heart is to be seen, heard and held.

There is a reason we obsessively check our devices to see if someone has reached out. We are in a constant search to know we matter to someone.

Times of transition give us information about the quality of the support system we currently have. It show us our need to rely on others and painfully reveals when there are holes in that support team.

Even if you’ve struggled to find a place to fit, I’m convinced it is out there. You may have to step into some uncomfortable places to find them, but they are there. As a counsellor, I wish I could start a friend-matching service. So many people are lonely. Step out of that tight comfort zone and go find them. If you have that supportive community, open the edges and draw others in.

III. Unresolved Faith Issues

In transition, our faith is challenged on all kinds of levels. What we were taught may feel like a suffocating cacoon we need to crawl out of. Just as often, it may feel like a safe place to return to. Transition can make what we believe clearer or more murky.

Transition is the wrestling ground of faith. In Judeo-Christian teachings, we see the people of Israel in continuous transitions. The name Israel itself means “Wrestles with God.” When transitions force you to wrestle with what you believe, don’t believe, want to believe, and no longer can believe – know you are surrounded by good, ancient company.

I can’t comprehend how huge pieces of metal, filled with people, can stay afloat on wind currents. But I know it happens all the time. I know there’s a scientific explanation for why my kayak keeps me out of the water, but it’s no less a miracle. When you’re between the shores of life, it often reveals the unanswered questions and issues of trust and faith. If you let it, transition can draw you a little deeper to see a greater picture,

When we are stripped of our control, we have to rely on faith, in some form, to guide us through these transitional waters. It fills the gap between the shores of life. Faith is believing when you aren’t experiencing it.
Faith is holding on and taking time to enjoy the ride when you don’t know the destination.


Faith is trusting when the tarmac gives way or the boat rumbles off the bottom, that there is a pilot at the helm that knows your destination even when you don’t. That you are being buoyed up by forces you can neither imagine or explain that are working out a purpose in your life.

When your moorings are cut, and you find yourself adrift in transition, awake to the fact that there are even greater powers that are holding you up. You are being buoyed up and pushed to the surface by something way stronger than the dock rope. If you’ve been depending on the rope to keep you safe, you may need to expand that view.

The Thrill of Life Happens After the Unmooring

Transitions always take longer than we expect. They are messier than we ever thought possible. They bring to the surface areas we need to work on that we may not have been previously aware of. They also draw out of us strength we never knew we had.

Journal Prompts

What is the hardest part of the transition you find yourself in?
Can you recognize moments in life when being cut loose actually helped you soar?

What has this transitional season showed you about your ability to care well for your body and mind? What do you need more of? Less of?

Who are the pillars in your tribe? Are there holes in your support system? What comfort zone might you have to step out of to find people to fill that gap?


Untethered. Feelings of being set free is an illusion. Although we are untethered from one thing we are still held by another. What have you been set free from? What now holds you afloat?


Trish is a counsellor in Saskatoon, who stays afloat by wrestling with issues of self-care, tribe reconciliations, and existential ponderings.

Need help maneuvering this transition? I’d love to help. Email me : trish@trishwhite.ca; Phone or text: 639-630-2010 or

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Other Content that Might Interest You

Will You Get Through This?

Spoiler Alert! Yes you will.

On the Edge of Hopelessness

Almost every great movie or story reaches an “All is Lost” moment. The scene where the hero crashes against a formidable opponent and we sit on the edge of our seats wondering if they have what it takes to get through. We hand over money to see our hero bump up against foes almost too strong for them. We are drawn into wondering,: “Do they have want it takes?”
Batman gets his butt kicked by the evil Bain.
Darth Vader looms large in the space between Luke and the Emperor.
Julia Roberts sprints from the altar one more time.

Do they have what it takes to survive this? Perhaps the reason we are so willing to line up to watch characters rush to the edge of hopelessness, is because we have been forced to hang in that space in our every day lives.

“All is lost” moments are so much more exciting on the screen than in real life.

I know from my social media feeds that feeling on the edge of hopelessness is not a new moment for many of you. In record numbers we are rushing to that crucial ‘all is lost’ cliffhanger every day. Sometimes before breakfast! Will we make it through?

Like a wrestler pressed to the mat we wish we could tap out.

Some of us literally go buggy eyed at the thought of yet another zoom meeting with the top of someone’s head or staring up someone’s nostrils. I had an entire counselling session with a picture on a wall which, by the way, was preferable to the one I did with a client’s chest.

Our New Normal is Not at all Normal.

The newly dubbed Homeschool Mom or Dad, that is forced to oversee a mishmash of educational options without access to libraries, stores or sporting events.

Not a few of you are sweating over finances. Forced to play with unknown budget forecasts in order keep the business and the families afloat takes a tangible toll on our bodies.

The frontline workers pulling themselves out for their shift, acting like it’s ‘business as usual’ when it’s anything but. Forced to wear masks to protect against an invisible enemy while creating headaches to haul home.

Small quick errands have become half day excursions. My printer spit out its last bit of ink and I traipsed off to view the lineups at Walmart, Staples and London Drugs – only to find there seems to be a shortage on my printer’s particular ink. Why didn’t I just order online?. Well I did and what was supposed to be ready in 2 hours is now 2 days late. Things are frustratingly just not the same.

It’s okay if you need to press pause for a moment.
It’s okay to take a breath.

Like all the great movie heroes, you’re going to get through this. Your kids will not be forever scarred because they failed to get through their math page. The teacher will forgive you for missing that zoom call. Oh, you are the frustrated teacher? So much grace has to be available in both directions.

Sometimes the Best way to Pull it Together is to Fall Apart

There is just so much going on that we can’t control.

Perhaps we needed this bit of pandemic craziness to help us pull our lives back together.

Face it. Things weren’t all rosy before. We were in a reality we might not want to return to. Too many of us were running too fast for too long just to stay above water.

I’ve looked in wonder at how this latest generation of parents have raised the bar of expectations beyond what I feel is humanly possible for everyone. Have beautifully managed houses, while you always look fabulous with a fit body, while doing a side hustle, and making Pinterest worthy snacks for after the soccer practice while still finding time to send cute notes to those they love. That level of expectations really needed to come crashing down.

When you’ve reached your “all is lost” moment, here are some thoughts and reminders to help you pull it back to together when it’s all fallen apart. Any one of these tools are adequate to help you face this adversary with strength. Pick one or two to hang on to today and know you are not alone. We are all fumbling with our tools wondering if we have what it takes to get through this moment and onto some beautiful reprise.

1. Lower the Bar on Expectations.

We set the bar height. We can lower it. If you are having a day where it seems the world within your walls has gone mad, drop the expectations. What you are going through is incredibly hard. No one has done this before. Breaking new ground has always been back-breaking work.

2. Raise the bar on love.

I know you want to raise responsible human beings. I know you’re worried about them falling behind and destroying their futures forever. It won’t. Everyone is in the same boat. Remember your first responsibility is not to churn out brilliant, capable humans. Your first responsible is to love them. Focus frazzled parent. Love. Everything else is secondary or just a stress inducing waste of time at the moment.

If you aren’t dealing with kids right now, still make your focus love. Being part of the machine that is churning out negative stories, isn’t helping you or those around you. Churn out some love for those around you and for yourself.

3. Recognize the Push and Pull of Social Media

We so desperately need social connection at this time. Unfortunately social media can quickly creep up the expectation bar that you’ve just lowered. Seeing the highlight reel of your friends’ fabulous lives is not helpful in that moment. If it’s not inspiring, but shame and guilt inducing instead – shut it down. Parents motivated by shame and guilt will only pass on shame and guilt. I’ve been there, done that. And besides, behind that highlight reel, you really don’t know what’s going on. Take it from a counsellor. You have no idea. Balance your pull for social connection with a call to an understanding friend instead of a passive scrolling through the feed.

4. Create moments of silence. Quiet time. (For Parents)

Find spaces of solitude. It’s crucial. I don’t want to pile on more “you shoulds” but developing some sort of shift schedule is crucial. Times when someone else is in charge and you can shut off. If you are parenting alone, you can’t feel guilty about letting screens give you those moments of quiet. My mom, a co-creator of 10 little humans, always enforced a quiet time after lunch. It was a time to get away from each other in your bed. They can read a book, draw, use their imagination, nap. Meanwhile you take your hot drink to a window and watch for birds and living things. Intentional breaks from the chaos.

5. Expect and accept your space will be interrupted. (For Parents)

You might as well just accept it . If you catch a moment alone, like on the toilet, someone or something will interrupt it. Expect it but don’t give up trying to find it. By expecting it, you forgo those moments of frustration when it happens and your mood turns worse than it was previously. It’s like expecting that when you’re driving in a city that you’ll have to stop at a red light. If you expect to get to the grocery store without ever having to stop, you’re going to be extremely frustrated. There are things like traffic lights and stop signs that will mess with that goal. But we’re smart enough to expect them. Very few of us rage at stop lights. It’s a pointless endeavour and we’ll never change it. The same is true of mom or dad and kids. Expect delays for a change of clothes and detours for the forgotten blanket,. Somehow expecting the unexpected drains the emotion out of the situation.

6. Celebrate the small wins.

If you’ve lowered that bar and are accepting that there will be delays along the way, then when something (ANYTHING!) goes off without a hitch, take a “Yay me!”moment. Those are not the “this is the way should be” moments. Those instead are the victor’s triumph – You’ve persevered and made it through.

7. Know this won’t last forever.

“This too shall pass” is not a new statement. I remember the first time a seasoned mom said that to me and it felt like a weight lifted. Sometimes the most fearful thought that tumbles around in our heads is,”This is the way things will always be.” It’s not.

You have what it takes to get through this.
You know how to love.
You know how to carve out moments of peace.
You know how to bust out a ray of joy.

You can do this.
These are the only truly important things right now. .

You’ll get through this. We’ll get through this together.

“All is Lost” moments are always followed by growth that changes. This chapter won’t last forever and you will be more resilient to face whatever comes next.

Trish White provides counselling in Saskatoon for those needing clarity to get through the “all is lost” moments of life.
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Of SCARS & BRUISES (and Other Places to Grow)

With COVID-19 disrupting our external worlds, many people are finding a shifting in their internal worlds. Events previously forgotten, like festering wounds quickly bandaged, are now erupting. Sadness, worry, grief and anger that was carefully held down is now painfully rising to the surface. Why is this happening and what should we do about it?

Things change.

Have you noticed things don’t seem to stay as they were before? They shift. They crack. Every woman over 50 knows what I’m talking about. Looking in the mirror, my hands find a spot by my earlobes and I apply pressure upwards. That’s better. A little more reminiscent of the face I once knew. A decade of struggle magically fades. The methodical etchings of worry float away.

Until I let go. As I slowly release the pressure, the downward drag begins. Every cell in my body is being sucked, nanometer by nanometer, toward the grave. Why can’t things just stay as they once were?

Everything seems a bit lower these days.

Our earnings wobble, as a pandemic sweeps our nation.
The price of gas calls us to fill up our tanks so we can sit in a parking lot with nowhere to go.
The stock market appears to be gasping.
Our energy has come crashing down. Naps are no long luxuries but necessities.
The aspiration of cleaning out the junk drawer is forgotten. So many things to do, so little energy to do them. Time on our hands
Time enough to become aware that parts of our body are no longer where they were before.

Scars and Bruises: We All Have Them

Life wounds us, leaving scars and bruises. Every single one of us carries sore spots that we protect. Aching joints that tell of a past injury. Scars and scar tissue that mar the surface of our skin. No one is exempt.

At 18, I had my appendix removed. A searing pain drove me to a scalpel wielding surgeon. The good doctor brought relief but, in doing so, cut a hole eclipsing most women’s caesarean scars. The average appendix is 4” long. The average baby is around 20”. The incision math didn’t add up. In the recovery days, I did not know the scar was larger than normal as I was yet to reach the age where conversations revolve around body pains and ailments.

That is, I didn’t know the length of my appendix scar was excessive until I made an off-hand comment to the surgeon.

I became immediately aware that I’d touched a nerve in this older, wiser human. My passing remark was an attempt at connection that backfired. This one thread snaking across my abdomen was the only thing we had in common. I had a pain that needed healing and he, with deft scalpel and stitching skill, had delivered relief. This is not the usual grounds on which friendships are forged.

“Nice incision.” My benign comment was met with an instant wall of defence. “I don’t like to work through a key hole,” he snapped. His eyes narrowed and a twitch by his upper lip challenged me to say more.

I felt like I’d thrown down the proverbial gauntlet to start a duel. He was taut and ready to take up the challenge. The problem was, like most of my wayward mitts, it hadn’t been a throw down in an attempt to engage an opponent. It had simply dropped out of my hand. My teenage brain had no reference point that appendix scars weren’t supposed to be bigger than caesarean scars.

At that moment, from my hospital bed, I instantly knew some deep truths about this man before me. His comment revealed far more about him than his penchant to be excessive in how he cut into things. The decades peeled back and I could tell that, for the briefest of seconds, I was no longer facing a learned and competent surgeon. The man before me was a boy, poked at and criticized, by some ghosts in his past. In the pinch of his face and the tension driving his shoulders up, I witnessed the after effects of decades old critical words. I had unknowingly bumped into a gash of his own.

He was ready to defend his skill. Daring me to utter one more word. I smiled an awkward smile and let my raised eyebrows put an end to the conversation. An awkward awareness filled the room between us as we both moved to cover our wounds. Mine was nicely healing. His was poorly stitched and oozing infection in the space between us. “Show me your scar” was not a game he was wanting to play.
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I’ve been on the other side of those exchanges. Moments in conversation where something someone says smacks me squarely on an old internal wound. Some passing comment stabs me in the gut. We all learn recovery skills to hide our wounds.

Within a decade, my appendix scar would be swallowed by an even more impressive gargantuan incision. Flesh sliced to give access to muscles that were torn apart from stem to stern. A trail marker left by babies voyaging through my body.

Our bodies carry our stories.
Every scar speaks of pain and healing.
Every facial crease of worry and laughter.
Every sagging jowl of the cells steady surrender to the earth below.

If you live, you will carry scars and not a few bumps and bruises.

Wounds and bruises are meant to heal. The ones inside and ones outside.

Of Hope and Healing

Bruises marking our bodies tell of minor everyday mishaps. It flags a part of our body where our systems need to concentrate healing energy. We bump our knees on the corners of coffee tables. Bang our heads on cupboard doors left open. Bounce our shoulders off corners of walls that are strangely closer than expected. Spreading blue and dissolving into shades of green and yellow until it fades away. The bruise stands as a marker of a place that needs our increased vigilance for a few days until the healing occurs.

On the inside, our bruises seem to take much longer to heal and the proof of healing is far less evident.

Why is This Bothering Me Now?

In the last few weeks I have had clients, in moments of motivation, stumble across things in storage room boxes that have plunged them into grief. “This happened so long ago, why does it still hurt so much?”

Others have life regrets exploding in their minds like popcorn. “How did I get here?” “What’s the point of all this?”

Others are confronted with a nasty side of themselves as they are caged with the same people and can’t escape.

Still others are looking with dread to returning to a job they hate.

I personally have been surprised by the amount of tears that have risen over things I thought I’d dealt with. Bruises not yet healed. Wounds, that need time and space to mend.

The Healing Work of Silence, Solitude and Stillness

We all know we need to pull back in order to recharge. We know we are healthier when we sleep. Nature teaches us through the rotation of days and seasons that everything needs a time to stop producing and recharge. Silence, solitude and stillness are disciplines that have been employed in almost every religion since the beginning of time. We instinctively know spending time away from a chaotic, noisy world is healing for a deep part of us. Whether it’s a cozy corner with a fuzzy blanket, a hidden retreat in the woods, or a quiet drive down the highway, our souls know we need to pull back in order to recharge.

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes – even you.”

Ann Lamott

Silence, solitude and stillness are called disciplines because the wise among us have discovered, over the centuries, that they work something good in our lives. They are ancient practices that are far from our modern day reality.

Until COVID-19 happened.

But I Didn’t Ask for This!

Many of us have been thrust into varying degrees of silence, solitude and stillness. We never chose this discipline, but the work of this trifecta is becoming evident in our lives. The closets of our past are popping open and hurling things on the floor of our minds that we had thought were better left hidden. There has been an internal shifting.

Have you ever soaked in a tub and discovered bruises you didn’t know you had. The bathtub, it’s one place where we slow down and have time to notice. Where did that mark come from? How long has it been there?

As you are marinating in the tub of life, what bruises from your life are becoming evident to you? Instead of being embarrassed by them or working to push them back down, get curious about the “bruises” you are noticing rising to the surface in your everyday life.

Triggers and Unwanted Behaviours Reveal Opportunities for Growth

Unfinished business, like bruises, shift and rise to the surface when there is time and space for the healing to take place. They can stay pushed down for years as we rush around to establish our careers, raise our babies or turn our house into a home. But what gets pushed down eventually floats to the surface in moments of stillness. Things don’t stay where we put them; especially the things we push down.

Life etches scars and bruises on the surface of our heart that need time and space to heal.

What has been rising for you in these last weeks?
Have you become aware of regrets?
Is the grief of lost relationships and people creeping in on your day?
What is actually derailing your plans? Is it simply a lack of motivation or a bruise that is now demanding to be healed.

What has set you off and you were surprised by your own reaction?

Time heals nothing. It’s what you do with time that does the healing.

If you’ve set out to do a project, like clean out a closet or the science experiments in the fridge, but then find yourself frozen in front of the tv or the pantry, take a moment to do an inventory. What is really standing in my way? Is it a fear over something? Is it a recurring thought? What are the bruises and scars that you are now noticing that need a bit of focussed time and attention to heal? Get curious about them. How long have they been there? How did they get there? What does it say to you? What messages do they say about you?

What Gets Pushed Down Eventually Comes to the Surface

In life, things don’t stay where you left them. Hurts and internal scars that are pushed down slowly make their way to the surface. In fact, the harder you try to push things down, the more force they have when they rise. Like a beach ball pushed deep under the water’s surface, when released, it flies up in your face with surprising force.

As gravity pulls our skin downward, that which has been buried inside seems to rise to the surface.
Cold case files find resolutions. Addictions don’t stay hidden.
In families, secrets that have been hidden for decades are uncovered.
Business that was left unfinished has a way of spilling out of the closet.

You’re Older, Stronger with More Resources. You Have What it Takes to Deal With This Now

The tangible goals you have, like to clean out a closet or master the Konmari folding method may need to be trumped by a need to take time to sort out an internal space. To clear the internal clutter that is crowding out some of the joy in your days. When the past doesn’t stay in the past, taking some time to sort through it will expand the happiness quotient in the days to come. You will experience a lighter self. Your creativity may return. Who knows, you may find the energy to tackle that project it wasn’t allowing you to get to.

Take a moment. Be aware. Stop distracting and avoiding, buffering and appeasing. Stop fighting the silence, the stillness and solitude and press into it.

What can you now move through and deal with that previously you were unaware of or unwilling to deal with? Don’t be scared. You’re older and stronger and a good measure wiser. I firmly believe that the things that tumble back into our minds and memories do so because we now have the time and resources to help them heal and move through them.

When we stop using our energy to mask and bandage, our creative force is renewed.
When you are willing to sit in the pain for a moment, the next moment often opens up to joy. The world is full of joy giving moments that we can miss when our energies are given to protecting our bumps and bruises. Growth can take place in the cracks.

Journal Prompts

What in your life has shifted?
What unfinished healing has silence, solitude and stillness brought to the surface?
What wounds and bruises have become painfullly evident?
Have the closets of your mind revealed some things that need some going through?
What do you need to do to help yourself take the next step?

Trish White is a counsellor in Saskatoon, SK who tries to spend more time healing wounded hearts than she does fighting the gravitational pull on her face. If you need to talk, I’m here: trish@trishwhite.ca

Unmotivated?

Have you seen this?

It explains what may be happening inside you these days. It may hold a key to why you are feeling irritable and unmotivated. It may explain the magic behind why you’re so tired but your todo list is growing instead of shrinking.

In a Facebook post, Rachel Rhody, brings us back to something we learned in high school. There is an order of needs and the basic needs are the foundation for higher, more complicated needs. Did you ever imagine we would find ourselves at lower levels again.


Aren’t we past this?
Don’t we know better?


We remember days of longing to stay home and relax. We’ve spent our lives yearning for time to get stuff done. We tell ourselves, if only I had a bit more time at home, I could tackle this and finally have my perfectly organized life.


Yet here we are pressing play one more time or standing staring into the empty refrigerator.

Back to Basics

It’s good to revisit the basics. There’s a story of Vince Lombardi when he was head coach of the Green Bay Packers. After suffering a season of humiliating defeat, his job was to rally the troops. He needed to inspire these young men to punish their bodies once more in order to achieve greatness. From seasoned players to new beach warmers, all of those slumped in that dressing room had spent years chasing a ball around a field in search of the elusive win. The coach’s job was to reignite a passion worth getting pummeled for. Lombardi, walked into the centre of the circle and, instead of delivering an impassioned plea, he surprised them all. He held up a football and proclaimed, “This is a football.”

Back to the basics.

We are at square one folks.

The Focus You Need

It feels humiliating sometimes. An insult to our intelligence. Yet when we shut the fridge door, our reality holds aloft the truth that we are not where we once were. Someone has moved the trail markers.

After this pandemic, will we ever go back to the brash custom of the willy nilly shaking of hands with just anyone we meet?
Is the signature Italian double-cheeked kiss gone from our global culture?
Will we always quickly disinfecting our hands after someone hands us a cup of coffee?
Will we we all remain vigilant? Trained into a higher level of germophobe activity?

Having never left our houses, we are finding ourselves in unfamiliar territory. Like a hiker staring in confusion at the ‘You are here’ marker on the trail map, we wonder how to stumble back to more familiar paths. We wonder if life will ever go back to normal.

Having the time to spend staring at my bookshelves, I rediscovered a book* with 3 key words that I believe can help us return to the basics. These 3 concepts can help shore up the foundations of our basic needs so we can climb back up the pyramid to areas we were trying to tackle before.

If we return to the basics, we may someday have an ounce of appreciation for this virus because it helped us mend cracks in our foundation. It helped us re-establish crucial patterns we had left behind to live a more complicated, and perhaps, less fulfilling life. Patterns we can build on to choose the life we desire. Paths that lead us to where we actually want to go. Perhaps, returning to the basics will help up set up a new course for the days ahead.

Rhythm

Every good song has a rhythm. No one wants a creative drummer that can’t hold a steady beat. The song of your life will quickly derail if you don’t have rhythm.

We rely on the rhythm of the world around us. The sun rises and sets. The moon glides through its phases. The seasons follow one anther in a predictable pattern. Every day needs the same predictable rhythm.

When our internal worlds get dark, this is one of the first things to go. Waking and sleeping times get messed up. Meal times are skipped or replaced with easiest grab from the pantry. More and more caffeine gets consumed.

Returning to or establishing a daily rhythm can bring order and a sense of calm in an unpredictable world.
Take a look at these 5 areas. How can you bring predictable rhythm to your day in these areas? These are the very basics that a baby needs to survive. These are the baby steps.

  1. Sleep – Regular, predictable waking and sleeping hours.
  2. Food – Feeding times. Healthy inputs at regular intervals. 3 meals and a snack. 2 meals and snack.
  3. Mental & Physical Stimulation – Walk. Stretch. Do pushups every time you go to the bathroom. Learn something new.
  4. Loving relationships – Intentional times of connection. Studies show people and animals are equally effective.
  5. Comfortable surroundings. For a baby, it’s as simple as a dry diaper. What’s it mean for you? I’m not talking a new lazy boy here, I’m saying clearing a space with a book or puzzle and a blanket to return to when things seem messed up and chaotic.

Stability


What are the things that throw you off balance? Bring stability to your world by cutting those off or limiting your interaction with them at this time.
I most often hear that too much news or social media are the biggest offenders in throwing off our mental balance.
What is sucking your energy?
Who tends to knock me off kilter?
Do whatever you can to identify and limit the elements of your world that consistently threaten your stability.

Clarity

When our vision of the trail is blurred, it’s dangerous to move ahead. Bring your day into focus by getting clear on what is crucial for this day. Not tomorrow. Not what you didn’t do yesterday.


What do I absolutely need to do in this day?
What is a reasonable goal?


Is there one thing you could do that makes other decisions easier? Such as cutting up vegetables so you have a healthy snack ready. I found myself I’m avoiding the laundry. At the same time I wanted to get out to enjoy this nice weather and go for a run. But because I avoided the laundry my exercise clothes had reached an unbearable level of stench and then became the excuse I use to not work out. Seeing as I can’t work out, I might as well just watch another episode. Right? But I know you’re not messed up like that. You probably have never seen the “Are you still watching?” Netflix screen. What is one thing you could do that makes other healthy things easier?

These goals are probably not the kind of goals you used to set. We’re rebooting foundation skills here. Give yourself a healthy dose of understanding and grace.

2 Crucial Tools for Tough Times


Once you set some goals. (I recommend no more than 3 simple goals in 3 areas of your life). Then pull out 2 tools that are probably already in your hand.
An alarm and a timer. You can use the ones on your phone.


I never set an alarm in the morning. I have an internal clock that gets me up plenty early. But I have alarms set to go off at regular intervals during the day. I may not need help starting but I sure need help staying on task. Alarms remind me when I need to switch activities.


Timers are my greatest weapon against un motivation. I decide how much time is reasonable to work on something. If I really don’t want to do it, I give myself permission to only work on it for 15 minutes. I’m always amazed what can get done in 15 minutes when you are focussed.

Set an alarm for each goal. When the alarm goes off, set a timer. Shut off distractions and focus until the timer goes off.


Get clarity. At the end of this day, what would be the most beneficial to have accomplished? Set a time for it. Set the alarm. Set the timer. Then bask in the accomplishment. It really does feel good. I also think it’s a foundational skill for building your self-esteem: The art of making promises to yourself and keeping them. Like you would with anyone else in your world who is important.

Survive Well First in Order to Get to Thriving

Set aside the self-actualization goals for a bit. Focus in on stabilizing the bottom level of that pyramid. If you shore up the basics, you may find your creative juices begin to flow again. Humans were designed for more than survival. But first you have to nail down the basics before you can move on to thriving.

The 5 rhythms that keep babies alive, can keep your spirit alive.

And remember, like a baby, if all you do is eat, sleep and poop, you have incredible value. Not because of what you do but because of who you are. Your worth is not dependent on what you get done.

Establish rhythm in your day.
Stabilize whatever you can.
Get clarity on what you need to do in this day.

Then enjoy. The rest will come naturally when these lower levels are attended to.

Trish White is a counsellor in Saskatoon, Sk, Canada who set an alarm to start working on this post and then set the timer for 1.5 hrs. She posted it and then left to go walk the dog, basking in the accomplishment of a goal completed. 🙂

* (The 3 words: Rhythm, Stability and Clarity are from the book, The Three Commitments of Leadership by Endersbe, Therrien, and Wortman. Although I messed with their order.)

Key to Increased Self-Esteem

Practice the art of making promises to yourself and keeping them. Like you would with anyone else in your world who is important.

Trish White

…and Forget (Forgive, Part 2)

I have a fantastic capacity to forget all kinds of things…my keys, my glasses, to get meat out for dinner. My day is staccato-ed by panicked thoughts of…Where did I put my phone? What was the name of the person I just talked to. Did I lock that door?

I’ve wandered through parking lots having forgot where I parked. I forget friend’s birthdays, (Sorry!) That is unless I knew you as a teenager, then I magically remember, even though we haven’t had contact in 35 years! And if I do remember your birthday, it is usually at 5am the day before when you don’t want to hear from me. I forget what I just spent time reading. Sometimes I forget what I went upstairs for. More embarrassing forgetful moment include getting out of my car and forgetting to shut it off. Or the roast I forgot to cook and take to the school potluck…oops!

When I am able to forget so much on a regular basis, why is it not so easy to forget those things I desperately want to forget?

Forgive and forget? Whoever put those 2 words together? 

Forgive and Forget.  It is a beautiful and idyllic ideal, but is it reality?

Like the bullying incident mentioned in Pt 1, I can forget for lengthy periods of time but in a slow moment the memory comes flooding back. It rips off the bandage revealing a bloody wound where I thought a scar would have developed by now. It appears I’m more adept at burying things under busyness as opposed to forgetting them completely. Unfortunately those things that get buried under busyness and distraction get buried alive and usually manage to dig their way out.

Anyone who has lived through physical, emotional, or sexual abuse knows you never really forget.  Ever. 

Nor should you.  Your brain tagged the event as significant for a reason. It is a design mechanism to protect you from similar situations recurring in the future. The pain may become less but moments seared on our consciences become part of our neural topography that make it impossible to forget.  Intrusive memories rear their ugly heads when you least expect it and the flood of memories doesn’t seem to respect any wall you put around them.

Forgetting May Seem Impossible; Moving on is Always Possible

In Part 1, I relayed a story from my own adolescent years that still worms it’s way into my thoughts, uninvited and unrelentingly.  We discussed forgiveness and I offered some suggestions to help you move ahead in your ability to forgive.  If you need to catch up, you’ll find the post here:  http://trishwhite.ca/forgive

If you are struggling to forgive and forget you’ll be happy to know the inability to forget does not forestall the ability to move on.  Your body and brain can remember what has happened without holding you back in your goals, your purpose, or your relationships. 

Releasing the expectation to forget what happened does need to eventually be replaced by not letting that event have a stranglehold on your present moments.  To gain traction on that releasing, here are a few things to practice forgetting as you wrestle with forgiveness:

1. Forget Perfection and Embrace Improvement.

When you live in the world of perfection, you will always be wrestling with feeling like a failure.  Perfection tells us that if we have forgiven, we will never be bothered by it again. That is just not true. Forgiveness is like an onion with layer after layer. Occasionally we are blessed with a clear slice to the core but usually it is a removing of layer after layer of how it has affected you. Perfection is a joy stealer. It constantly reminds you of how you don’t measure up. Adopting an improving and growing mindset allows you to acknowledge when more work needs to be done.

Shifting your focus from perfection to improvement opens the door to joy in every day.  Instead of focussing on what you haven’t accomplished it shines a spotlight on what you have managed to move the needle on.  Instead of forestalling any enjoyment until you are done and there are no bad feelings left, embracing improvement gives you permission to celebrate your smallest victories.  Embrace the fact that forgiveness is a choice and may need to be revisited in the future.

2. Forget your Timelines but Don’t Forget Your Dreams

If you have been significantly hurt, chances are it has had a derailing effect in your life. Our minds and hearts churn and we are unable to meet deadlines and goals are often put on hold. Traumatic events take time to recover from.  More time than you think.  More time than you want to give them.  You need time to retrain your brain to focus again.  A traumatized brain becomes scattered.  You may decide to read and you find your eyes are skimming the words and none of them are registering in your brain.  This is normal.  It takes time to heal. 

The frustration of not being able to accomplish your goals though doesn’t mean you should throw out your goals.  You just need to adjust the timeline you had set up.  I hear many twenty-somethings begin to panic because their education has been delayed.  They are not where they thought they’d be. Anxiety, depression, addiction, grief, and family issues have all stepped in and waylaid the graduation date. Letting go of what you thought you’d have accomplished at a certain age is important.  Holding forth the vision of what you want to become though is equally important. 

Sometimes delays make us want to throw our hands up and quit.  That is like setting out for the grocery store and giving up when you hit the third red light.  Don’t give up, just adjust the timeline.  You’ll get there.  You haven’t stopped learning.  The school of life sometimes momentarily derails us.  You are still learning sometimes even more important lessons than if you had accomplished your goals.  Give yourself time to get on track and focus on small steps in that direction.

3. Forget the Words of the Bully in your Head and Focus on Encouraging Relationships. 

The worst part of being bullied is that the voice of the bully can move into your head and becomes your own inner critic of everything you do.  Learning to recognize that voice. Realize it has a noble albeit misguided agenda to keep you from being hurt. 

Learn to listen to the encouragers and inspirers around you instead. I recognize that it a lot harder.  We can have 10 people cheering us on but if one person criticizes us all our energies get focused on that one.

Sometimes the biggest gift of difficulties is the realization that you need to develop a better circle of support.  Limit that which sucks the life out of you and spend time with those that bring joy.  That’s right, if your social media feed drags you down, either don’t go there or block and limit and adjust what you’re seeing. You are in control of that. Consistently shift your focus from the debilitating inner critic to voices of encouragement.

“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people.”  Brene Brown

4. Forget the Lies.  Remember the Truth.

When negative circumstances take place in our life, we often pull meaning from the events.  We let the event tell us something negative about ourselves.  That we don’t matter.  That we are unlovable.  That we don’t belong.  There are a host of lies that get reinforced day after day.  You need to recognize these as lies and refresh yourself regularly with the truth.

I recently had the joy of holding my first grand baby.  She’s an adorable, cuddly bundle of flesh. She is loved and valued by a whole community of people and yet, the dear thing, all she ever does is eat and poop and cry and sleep.  That’s it. And I have to wonder when will she lose that and become less valuable, less lovable, less worthy of just being held? The answer is Never.  Ever. 

And so it is with you.  At what point in your life did you become less valuable? Truth is, you haven’t. Don’t let the negative circumstances define who you are.

You need to forget those nasty labels and remind yourself that you are loved.  That you have a right to belong.  You need to remember that you and your voice and your gifts and your energy matter.  You matter way more than you can ever know.

Forgiving is a Choice. Forgetting will Follow.

Whether it’s a moment or lifetime of moments that need your forgiveness, be assured that being attentive to the process will result in this memory not having a stranglehold on you. Hours, days, and eventually weeks will go by without the memory flooding in on you. And when it arises again, you can confidently see it as another invitation for deeper healing.

A beautiful outcropping of practicing forgetting these 5 things is that what you offer yourself, you can then offer to others.  Your entire circle of friends will benefit when you begin noticing and celebrating the progress you see in others. The world is made a better place when you pursue the dreams that are placed in your heart. You become a gentler, kinder person when the bully in your own head is quieted.  You start to stand up and be heard when you stop letting negative circumstances define you.

Conclusion

So that gorgeous fall morning that was hijacked by a nasty childhood memory actually gave me an invitation to develop my thoughts around forgiving and forgetting. Triggers like that signal a need for more space in life. Time spent in silence. A setting aside of distractions. It has allowed me to offer myself more self-compassion and wrestle with the parts of me that I’ve hidden away in response.

I’ve heard from a few of you who have wrestled with forgiveness in your own life. Thank you for sharing your stories. We always learn more about ourselves when we see honest sharing from others.

When that hurtful memory comes flooding in, instead of pushing it away, ask yourself:

What is the next step in forgiveness?

What do I need to work on forgetting?

What part of me still lies buried alive and is asking to be brought to life?

Trish White is a counsellor in Saskatoon, SK, Canada  who daily wrestles with the joy made possible when she remembers to forget and forgive.

#101 – 1132 College Dr. – 1-306-988-4880 – trish@trishwhite.ca

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