Sep 10 2018

(pause)

2 little slash marks.

I’ve started marking them on my wrist each morning.

It’s a reminder for me when I see it to stop, find my pulse and pause.

Pause and feel my heart beating.

Your heart started beating 16 days after you were conceived.

That’s long before you ever thought your first thought.

Months before you took your first breath.

That beating heart tells you, you have value.

You have value because you are alive.

Not because you’ve crossed enough things off of a never-ending to-do list.

Not because you are able to generate a certain dollar value.

Not because you have created anything.

Not because you’ve been to the right places or wear the right labels.

Not because you are strong, or beautiful, or kind, or giving or any other thing.

Just because.

Because you are a creation.

A living being.

Pause. Find your pulse.

Slow down enough to feel it.

Take a breath

Remind yourself you have value.

You just do.

Do you need help pausing? Join our free 30-day Self-Care Challenge and explore 30 fast ways you can pause in your day.

Sep 03 2018

When You’ve Hit a Wall…or a Window: Self-Compassion

The bird in the picture above is a fortunate one. A crash landing was inevitable when it came in contact with a patio door. Stunned and hurting, gentle strong hands fueled by a compassionate heart scooped the wounded from the dirt and lifted it to safety. The young photographer captured this moment as her dad, who in her words is the gentlest, kindest soul, whisked this little bird away from curious canine noses. What a wonderful thing for a daughter to say about her dad. What a profound image for that girl to go into the world with.

This little bird needed a place of safety. Wounded humans that need safety often aren’t as obvious. Wounding can look like isolating ourselves, distracting ourselves with games, tv or social-media, lashing out at people who love us, or a million other things.

Life has a way of getting in our flight path and knocking us flat.

Someone needs to scoop that birdie up and set her where she is safe and can rest.

And you, my friend, are the best person to do that.

You. Having family and friends that nurture you is important but if your own inner critic is mouthing off at you the whole time, nothing they do will have any healing effect. You have to learn to notice when you need to find a safe place and learn to set the boundaries to protect yourself while you are there. Only you have access to the everything that lies below the surface of your life. Only you know the stuff that’s not Instagram worthy.

Self-compassion is one of the cornerstones of self-care. It’s being aware of the negative chatter that goes on in your head and realizing that not every thought is true or worthwhile having around. Self-compassion is the opposite of self-criticizing. Here are 3 tips to help you extend more compassion to yourself.

3 Self-Compassion Tips

1. Notice the Negative Thoughts.

Are you aware of the negative dialogue? The rants usually begin with:

“You should…”

“You didn’t…”

”You forgot…”

“You need to”

“You’re not…”

“You can’t…” blah blah blah.

All of those are the same as wounded bird flapping and slapping around.

Not one of those will produce a better you. You will never criticize yourself to a better place. Ever. You can never insult yourself into being a better person. So notice it. Call it out. “Thanks for the self improvement tip but today I’m choosing to show myself some grace.” I remember vividly when I began to purposely take a stand against my own inner critic. I had done something I truly felt stupid about and I simply decided that berating myself wasn’t going to help. I decided I would not allow myself to beat myself up. I would just decide to do better next time. I can not describe for you the feeling of relief and lightness I felt at that moment. I truly felt protected and a new degree of wholeness as I chose to care for myself in this way.

What you notice you can start to change.

2. Choose a Better Tone to Talk to Yourself

You can teach yourself to talk nicer to yourself. Do you talk like that to your friends and people you love? (K…maybe you do. Uh oh!) Choose to speak to yourself in kind, respectful ways. If you struggle with what that looks like think of someone who is naturally caring and adopt their voice for a while. If you don’t know anyone in your world that knows how to talk kind and support with love, choose a character from a movie. Mrs. Doubtfire would be a wonderful choice. Think about what they would say. Actively replace the critical voice with this gentle, loving one.

3. Set Boundaries.

Remember our bird? It’s a painful thing to hit a window. Instead of picking up and changing course though, our inner voice will continue to throw us against that same window time and time again. You will not heal as long as that voice has free reign. Yet sometimes no matter how hard you try you can’t silence that inner critic. Here are some ideas. Grab what works for you. Don’t just try it once, try it several times before you abandon it and try something else. Be vigilant. You can do this.

Decide on Safe Places. Declare a certain comforting spot – the tub, the car, your bed, a bench – a critical voice-free zone. It’s a location you will not allow the negative, nasty thoughts free reign.

Decide on Safe Times. I know a young dad who said he locks his negative voice up at 10:00 pm because he knows it never has anything good to say after 10 pm! For me, I won’t listen to any negative self-talk when I’m exercising. What are safe times for you?

Decide on Safe People. When you can’t see to manage the verbal attack on your own, have a list of compassionate people that you call or text. Go to them. Learn from how they talk to you.

Fighting that negative voice can be a full time job but by noticing and choosing how we will talk to ourselves, you get a break from the barrage. This is called Self-Compassion. It’s a form of self-care. It’s how we look after our minds.

What have you done today to look after your mind?

Join our free 30-day challenge and explore a daily two minutes of self-care to rejuvenate your life.

Sep 01 2018

How to Take a Day Off!

Intellectually, this is a no-brainer. In reality, too many of us resist doing it.

When we have a day that is technically not a work day and we cram it full of activities that drain us, people who suck the life out of us and busy-ness that leaves our soul tired and empty.

You need to take a day off.

Regularly.

WHY?

Just as music without a rhythm is just noise; life without a cadence becomes intolerable.

Taking a day off, let’s you relinquish the control you struggle so hard to hang on to.

It is a statement that life can, and will, go on without you.

Anxiety and depression levels in children are at an unbearable high. Kids younger than 10 are getting ulcers. Teenagers are getting sucked into addiction. Our young adults are being crippled by anxiety and depression. We live in the most privileged society and yet our stress levels are higher than those in countries struggling to put food on the table.

Health is contagious. We need you to be healthy so you can spread a bit of health into the world.

Your community needs you to refresh so you have the energy to respond to the needs around you in love.

You carry something within you that no one else has but you have to be rejuvenated so you carry that spark of joy into the lives of people you don’t know. So you have the calmness of peace that makes space for someone whose peace has been snatched away.

The world is a crazy place and that craziness seeps into your world. Taking a day off is a rebellious act of holding back the craziness so it doesn’t infiltrate every area of your life.

How?

It should be straight forward, but for many of us we’ve forgotten how to actually take time off unless we are on a vacation somewhere. This needs to happen regularly. Here are some tips:

Tip #1: Decide on the days.

Grab your calendar…literally. On your wall. On your phone. Make sure you have all your calendars. Then, choose 4 days in the next 4 weeks and put a circle around them. This takes some pre-planning. Think and notice what is going on. Don’t schedule it when you have something else on the calendar. Family days can be, but are not necessarily, days off. Know your life, your work requirements and your family needs.

Choose carefully. Your aim is for 24 hours off. It can be any 24 hours on any day of the week you are not working. Sundown on Friday to Sundown on Saturday. Sunday noon to Monday noon. All day one day. If you can’t make 24 hrs, start with the number of hours you can commit to.

Tip #2: Make a Plan to Say No

Say no to incessant demands. This is not a day for catching up on your to-do list. Leave the laundry, it will be there tomorrow. Emails can wait. The lawn can wait another day. The exception is, if you find the activity exceptionally therapeutic then by all means do it. But the minute it becomes a chore or a burden, re-evaluate it.

Say no to all the people who you regularly put their needs above your own. This is not a day where someone else’s agenda trumps your own…unless you make a conscious choice to share your day. This is not about being mean – it’s about being kind to yourself so you can give yourself fully the other 6 days of the week. You are balancing input and output.

You have to choose to protect this day. (You may need to go back and review some of the reasons why are doing this so you have the stamina to hold back the barrage of requests that will come from you and everyone else.)

Tip #3: Wrestle with Resistance

I’m sure it’s already happened. Your brain has already started a list as to why this won’t work. If you really want to change your life, write down that mental list of why you can’t take a day off. Here is what my (partial!) list looked like:

Something is going to happen to derail your plan so you might as well not even start.
My family needs me.
I get a little panicky wondering what I’m going to do with my time.
It feels selfish to even think about this. After all shouldn’t I be putting people first.
I don’t have to actually schedule it; I’ll just take a day off when I can.
I have to run a business, if I don’t get back to people I’ll lose business.

Tip #4: Rebel against the resistance.

Once those are out of your head and on paper, they don’t seem as powerful. Take the time to write down some good arguments as to why these reasons are faulty. Here are my arguments:

Something is going to happen to derail your plan so you might as well not even start. This is all or nothing thinking. It stops you from ever trying anything new. It stops you from growing.
My family needs me. Of course they do, but they need me healthy. If I were to die, they’d figure out how to do things and go on without me. Why do I think I’m so irreplaceable? What will they learn to do for themselves if I give them the chance. (this ended up filling up a journal page, I’ll spare you the gory details!)
I get a little panicky wondering what I’m going to do with my time. Oh…that’s a surprising twist. We’ll figure it out. We’re going to explore enjoyment.
It feels selfish to even think about this. After all shouldn’t I be putting people first. Making sure I’m mentally healthy IS putting people first.. it’s only 24 hrs, I’ll be back tomorrow.
I don’t have to actually schedule it; I’ll just take a day off when I can. Yah…we both know that’s not going to happen.
I have to run a business, if I don’t get back to people I’ll lose business. Demanding people don’t create the kind of business you want anyways. Those that allow you time to refresh are the kind of clients and people you want in your world.

Tip #5: Keep it Simple

It’s a curious thing that first the brain comes up with reasons why you can’t do it, then once you’ve worked through some of those, it then jumps on board and makes the day off a bigger deal than it needs to be. You make the decision to take a day off, your brain fights it and does a 180 and starts to dream up rejuvenating schemes so big you don’t have the energy or money to accomplish it. Keep it simple.

Tip #6: Think through contingency plans:

Who do you need to let know that you are taking 24 hours off? Who is better off not knowing?
Parents, especially of young kids, may not be able to take an entire 24 hours off. You can make plans to make it easier on yourself. What hours can you take off? Start small. If you can only take a couple of hours off, accept that and make the most of them. The day will come when you can expand the time.
What will you do for meals? Think take out. Make ahead. Eat out. Think simple – crackers, cheese, sliced veg and fruit served on a napkin make up a meal with no dishes to do.
Think creatively. When my kids were in elementary school, I never cooked Sunday suppers. They were allowed to get their own food as long as they made it look like they were never in the kitchen. It took some training. It was never perfect. I do think it taught them that they had the skills to look after themselves. I know families that have popcorn for supper on Sundays. Some have cereal. I know others that have ice cream. I know some of you are cringing but think about what you can do. What you are willing to let go of?
How will you handle your electronics? Can you put your phone away? Can you put it on airplane mode for sections of time?

Tip #7: Explore new things. Revisit old loves.

Thinking about what you want to do ahead of time will make this day special.

What refreshes you?
What brings you joy? Experiment with that.
Try a new book genre. Read for fun, not learning.
Make a playlist of songs that are meaningful to you.
Who pours life into your world? You might want to plan a relaxing activity with those people.
Who sucks the life out of you? How can you set up a boundary to limit their access to you for that time?
What is a craft or hobby that you’ve wanted to try, or return to, that you never have time?
If you have to do necessary things, how can you adjust your mindset so you are doing them from an unhurried place?
How can you incorporate time in nature into this day?

Tip #8: Enjoy your freedom!

Over 2000 years ago, ancient writings tell us the story of a people who were being emancipated from slavery. It is at this juncture when they were given the 10 Commandments. The commandments were rules for living now that they, for the first time in their lives, could make choices for themselves. One of those rules was to “Remember the Sabbath Day and keep it holy.” Holy simply means set apart. What a gift! Previously they were forced to work 7 days a week without a break and with no choice in the matter. Now they are being told to take one day and set it apart – make it different from the other days..

Here we are centuries later, enslaving ourselves. Taking away our own freedom and becoming a slave to cultural expectations, our electronics, and our selves.

Are you living in slavery or as a free person? Who or what has you enslaved?

Live free. Enjoy your freedom. Rejuvenate. Refresh. Re-create yourself.

Be kind to yourself! Take a day off.

Do you struggle to take time off? Join our free 30-day challenge and explore a daily two minutes of self-care to rejuvenate your life.

Aug 28 2018

When You’ve Hit a Wall…or Window: Intro to Self-Care

I’m sure we’ve all witnessed it. Out of nowhere there’s an unmistakable thump of flesh and blood colliding with a solid surface. In my case it was a poor misguided bird whose trajectory in life had been rudely interrupted by my living room window. I always feel so bad for the little guys and hate to see them lying out cold in my shrub bed. Poor thing. There is nothing in its little life that could prepare it for the false front of a pane of glass. They don’t teach “How Not to be Blind-sided by Deceptive Human Structures” when they enrolled in flying lessons.

In an attempt to help these wounded birds, I’ve googled it a few times to see if there are any new developments on how to help. I’m hoping for some essential oil that will provide an instant miracle cure. No such luck. Nothing has changed. The best thing you can do is to leave the bird alone if it is in a safe place. Most often, they return to consciousness, reassess the direction of their flight plan and take off, hopefully a bit wiser. If it is not in a safe place – like if the local feline is prowling about or a playful dog doesn’t share the same nurturing tendencies – move it to a protected spot. It’s that simple. The miracle of nature is simple – in quiet and safety creatures heal.

In Quiet and Safety, Creatures Heal.

Can you relate? Often in life you are flying along and wham! Out of the blue you’ve run into something that knocks you flat. You didn’t see it coming. You had no chance to adequately prepare yourself. Even if your mother warned you about such a nebulous thing as a rogue windowpane, you frankly just couldn’t grasp the severity of it. Until it happened.

You get smacked down and there you lay. I’d love to come alongside you and pat your ruffled feathers and say, “Hey! Get up girl! You got this.” But this is not the time.

You’re dazed. Numb. You don’t know what you feel. Sometimes you don’t feel. Friends may say, “That’s gotta hurt” but honestly, it doesn’t. Not yet. You can’t feel a blinking thing and you don’t even want to.

Then, oddly enough the pendulum swings and suddenly you feel too much. A simple slip – a spilled coffee or a forgotten task – and your entire world falls apart. You cry, get angry, or mentally beat yourself up.

When you are feeling dazed by life the same advice they give for wounded birds applies to you. Find a safe place. Be still.

This is the essence of self-care: Doing the things that support your recovery from a world that is constantly and incessantly beating you up.

It truly is the answer to so much.

Treat Wounded Hearts Like Wounded Birds

That little bird will quite likely shake off the damage and fly away. Its body was meant to respond that way. So is yours.

We live in an amazing body. If supported properly it has amazing healing qualities. If you cut your hand, in only a matter of hours, the sinews of new flesh reach out to cover over the wound. If you break your leg, the body goes into overdrive, creating new bone material to mend the gap. Think about that – literally, it takes the food you cram into your mouth and uses it as building blocks to re-construct that which was torn apart.

Our minds and emotions are also capable of this incredible healing…if supported properly.

Just like that little bird needs time to rest in order to recuperate – so do you.

In the same way that little being needs to be carried to a safe place to recover from the damage – so do you.

Predators love the vulnerable.

When you are numb and stunned from some collision with life, you’ll find the predators of self-criticism, discouragement, and depression, waiting to make short work of what basic mental functions you have left.

I will spend the next couple weeks exploring different aspects of self-care. Too often we think if we schedule a mani-pedi or take a bath, we’ve somehow accomplished self-care. Or we plop in front of the tv and binge load on Netflix…nope that’s not self-care either.

Self-care is learning how to soothe our anxious and overloaded brains.

Self-care means we make choices for our physical bodies that support our mental and emotional healing.

Self-care is finding out what brings us joy and peace and purposefully slotting those into our days.

Self-care is keeping promises to ourselves that in turn give us confidence and snap us out of negative patterns.

Are you numb? Feeling a bit stunned by life?

Look after yourself.

The Simplest Solution is Often the Hardest

Self-care truly is the answer to much of our mental angst.

Did you have a difficult childhood? Attentive self-care by learning to mother yourself in healthy ways is the path to a happy, healthy adult life.

Have you been knocked flat by something in your world? Focussed self-care to protect you at this vulnerable time is crucial for your recovery. You’ll fly again…but first you must rest.

Are you struggling with overwhelm? Self-care provides the pockets of joy and peace that make life worth getting out of bed for.

Are you ready? Let’s walk this together.

Would you like a tool to help you focus on your self-care? Warning: It means giving me your email address. And if you do that, about once or week – sometimes more, sometimes less, you’ll receive an email from me with tips and info.

Get your free Self-Care Recording Sheet here

Mar 10 2017

Selfishness vs Self-Care

Selfishness vs. Self-care

A few years ago I had a counsellor suggest to me that I needed to work on self-care. I thought my self-care was fine.

I eat mostly healthy – especially if you consider chocolate a health food.

I exercise – sometimes sporadically but I’m regular in my irregularity.

I visit my chiropractor and massage therapist regularly – once a year is regular right?

What I didn’t know (besides this previously noted self-delusion) is that there was a whole area of self-care I was neglecting. I had never paid attention to what was really going on in my mind.

Learning to pay attention to what is really going on inside me has been a challenging lesson.

My mind stewed in a lot of half-truths – Just put your head down and work harder and everything will be okay.

It clung to a few lies – You really have nothing to offer here.

It blatantly ignored several truths – You’re bored and lonely.

I truly needed some self-care but my view of self-care was skewed…thankfully, when you go through enough life crises, they have the potential of sorting that out.

Grab Your Oxygen Mask!

We all know too well the reference to the oxygen masks in airplanes – you have to put yours on first before you can help those around you. That analogy is so overused because it is so desperately true. You can’t help others if you are gasping for air and about to pass out. Grabbing that oxygen mask is crucial so you can continue to give to the world. I repeatedly say, “There are people out there that need you to be fully who you were created to me.” The world needs you to show up but first you have to stop being selfish and learn to take care of yourself. Does that sound like a contradiction? Let’s explore the difference between selfishness and self-care…(and by the way, you can do both on a beach!)

Selfishness vs. Self-Care

Self-care involves paying attention to your body, your mind and your soul.

Selfishness involves ignoring those things and listening to the urgent, the immediate and the cravings.

Selfishness says “I deserve ________ (a drink, this food, this binge-watching). Selfishness says you deserve all kinds of things that don’t result in health. Selfishness chooses to deal with stress in ways that eventually cause more stress. The drinks and food lead to weight gain which leads to more negative talk or even self-loathing which drives you back to the food and drink. Selfishness is a cycle of craziness.

Self-care says, “I will feed my body well. I will look after it with movement that challenges and strengthens it. I will pay attention to the pain that is trying to communicate something to me.”

Selfishness ignores the depression, the anxiety, the pain in the neck and shoulders, and the churning stomach. It tells you you’re too busy. It convinces you that stuff is normal for people who are doing important things like what you are doing.

Selfishness Ignores Depression, Anxiety and Pain. Self-care Pays Attention

Self-care though says, “It’s time you started to pay attention to what is going on in your body. It’s time you dropped the guilt about taking time for yourself and start taking steps that lead to health in the future. It’s time to stop ignoring that pain. Your body has a nasty way of forcing itself to be heard…one day it may force you into recovery. Listen to it before it chooses to completely shut down your frenetic activity. Yes, you are doing important things but you need to be able to continue those things and so much more far into the future.

Selfishness demands you overwork and place extreme demands on your body.

Self Care balances challenging yourself with adequate recovery time.

Selfishness tries to appease the negative thoughts with immediate gratification – buy something, eat something, watch something. Selfishness ignores the deeper implications and looks at the immediate now. It ignores the negative thoughts and paints it over with some positive platitude. There is a place for thinking positive. There is a place for gratitude but neither of those come at the expense of paying attention to what is truly going on in your mind.

Self-care means taking time for quiet and solitude. It means paying attention to those voices you’ve ignored or silenced for too long. What are you really feeling that you’ve ignored for too long? What are the thoughts behind those feelings? Are those thoughts true? Write them down. Take the time to journal it. Look at it. Find someone to talk to about it.

Selfishness Allows the Inner Critic to Carry On; Self-Care Learns to Not Listen

Selfishness allows that inner criticizing to carry on. On the surface that doesn’t seem selfish but that negative inner critic will keep you from developing. It will stop you from connecting with people who need you. It will hold you back.

Self-care means paying attention to that negative inner critic, finding out where it is coming from and learning to push past it’s limiting voice.

Selfishness – ignores that you might have a greater purpose. Selfishness doesn’t allow you to go deeper spiritually. It demands a perfect outward appearance so people think you’ve got it all together. Selfishness keeps you busy. Running. Juggling every little thing so you look perfect on the outside. Selfishness is satisfied with surface, polite prayers. It whips off “God bless you. God bless me.” fast prayers.

Self-care works toward peace – not just for everyone else but also for yourself.

Self-care acknowledges that you aren’t perfect and your life isn’t perfect. It allows space for letting some things go. It focuses on progress not perfection. It works for peace – not just for everyone else but also for you. It pays attention and evaluates those things that are driving you and those things that are holding you back.

Selfishness forces you into roles – the martyr, the hero, the victim. Self-care recognizes Jesus died so you don’t have to. God is the hero not you. Both of them do what they do so you are not a victim.

Selfishness cycles crazy busyness. Self-care takes time to read and reflect.

Selfishness stuffs. Self-care ponders and prays

Selfishness recites empty prayers. Self-care involves messy prayers…honest prayers.

Selfishness stays alone, disconnected, unheard. Self-care reaches out, connects, communicates.

Selfishness is about getting what you want now, in the easiest, fastest way. Self-care is about getting what you need in whatever time it takes.

Selfishness Isolates; Self-Care Connects

A few years ago, my chiropractor pushed his finger into a spot in my back sending me bolt upright. “That,” he says, “is a problem with family, finances or future. Which is it?” To which I snapped, “None of your business. You’re my chiropractor, not my counsellor. Just fix it.” Looking back, he was so right. I was so ignorant to what my own body was telling me. 6 surgeries and several crises later, I understand. That doesn’t mean I have it all figured out but I’m working on it. Are you?

What have you learned about self-care? What unique lesson has your body taught you? I’d Iove to hear about it.

Grab your free Self-Care Recording Sheet here!