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“Follow your heart!” they said. She did what she thought was the right thing. She wasn’t promiscuous in her romantic relationships. She considered carefully. Chose wisely. Loved to the deepest level she knew how. Then one day she found out, he had been lying to her. The texts that she was suspicious of were actually worse than she suspected. Now she’s alone. Unsure of what the future holds and untrusting of her own instincts. Broken and alone.
“Everything happens for a reason, right?” It sounds so reassuring…until you are the one sitting in a vacant nursery, holding cold blankets, rocking your empty body back and forth. Unstoppable tears flow trying in vain to fill the hollow spaces. No, sometimes things just happen and you’re left to deal with it and you can’t and it’s hard and you can’t face it. Broken and empty.
“Model it and they’ll follow.” She did. She organized and cleaned and did her best to make home a safe and happy place. Somedays she delivered forgotten lunches and other days didn’t deliver left behind items when it seemed a lesson needed to be learned. She’d stayed up late waiting to hear he was safe. She’d fallen in bed exhausted knowing she was incapable of protecting him. She had reached out when the door slammed. She’d shut the door to block out the mess. She did everything she knew to do with all the wisdom she had…but she never anticipated drugs would take a part of her child away. This doesn’t happen in her family. Chaos like this takes place in “those” other homes – the homes without love, and warm meals and strong values. Broken and disillusioned.
Sometimes life doesn’t add up. Sometimes you do the absolute best with what you’ve been given and life still serves you up a platter of crap with a side order of bull.
Now I know some of you don’t get this and I highly suggest you maybe stop reading now and go do something else…perhaps pray it never happens to you. But I also know there are twice as many of you who absolutely get what I’m talking about. You are well aware you not perfect but you know you never signed up for the life that’s been delivered. You’ve done all that you could and it amounted to nothing.
You’re empty.
You’re numb.
You’re angry.
You’re sad.
You’re cried more than you ever thought possible.
You can’t cry at all.
You’ve had the craziest things said to you.
You’ve done the craziest things.
To you, I can not offer advice. There are no platitudes that it’ll all be better in the morning.
Instead I offer you a few gentle truths.
1. You’re going to make it.
You have what it takes to come through this. There may be lots of anger to wade through. There may be lots more tears that need to be shed. There may be a heart that feels dead that will start to feel again. if you hang on, you will make it.
2. You need people.
Not just any people. You need people that will listen and offer nothing but their presence. You need people that have the capacity to love in spaces that aren’t perfect. You need people that will hold your hair back for you and rub your back when you need to verbally vomit. You need those that love not those that fix. Those people exist but they may not be who you expect. They might be family…but they might not. They might be long term friends…but they might be new friends. Open yourself to the right people – they’re out there.
3. You first.
You’ve spent a good part of your life caring for others, learn to care for yourself with the same abandon that you give to others. Stop judging yourself; start loving yourself. Stop hating your body and learn to care for it. Caring for yourself is not about indulging yourself. It’s about feeding your body and soul nourishing food, doing movement that feels good, listening to your own heart. Check out my posts on Self-Care. Download the Free Self-Care Resource.
4. Be honest about where you are and what you believe.
Learn to pray honest prayers, even if they’re messy. God may seem silent, distant and indifferent or He may seem closer now than ever before. Your experience is unique, so is your heart’s journey.
5. Set some goals.
Not your typical, “I’m going to run a marathon in 3 months” kind of goals. Set goals to do something this week that used to bring you joy – a hobby, a luxurious bath, a walk in a park…only you know what brings you joy. Set a goal to notice any expression of love no matter how small. Set a goal to spend a few moments in a peaceful place, telling your crazy whirling thoughts to take a break for a while. Set goals focussing on love, joy and peace.
6. Rinse and repeat.
None of these will probably go as you hoped. It’ll all be messy and imperfect. Life is messy and imperfect. So rinse off the crap and start again by looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself, you’re going to make it.
Hugs to you hurting friends. You’re going to make it. There are people out there who will walk with you. You have to look after yourself and find love, joy and peace wherever you can right now. And start over again…and again…and again.
For those of you who are struggling with the trauma and confusion that comes with being betrayed in our intimate relationships, I want you to know there is a path to healing. I am trained by the Association of Partners of Sexual Addiction Trauma Specialist. We understand your pain. There is a path to healing. Schedule an Appointment