Psalm 23 Day Five: Fearless
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Psalm 23:4
Day 2: Fearless
One key marker that makes an event traumatic is the feeling of being alone in it.
You can go through the worst tragedies and if you have alliances standing together, holding your hand, your brain may never record the event as traumatic.
This has been scientifically studied in many ways with the same conclusion: connection changes the experience of pain, stress and trauma. The opposite is true too – isolation intensifies suffering.
Most of the traumatic stories that I encounter in my counselling office surround sentences like this:
“I was left alone to deal with it”
”I sat on the steps alone while they left me to discuss what they would do.”
”I hid under the trees and watched, not knowing what would happen.”
My own traumatic memories follow this same path. In a house of 10 kids you’d expect there wouldn’t be very many moments of aloneness but I’m sure many of you can attest that being alone in a crowd can be the loneliest place.
Connection changes the experience of pain, stress and trauma. Isolation intensifies suffering.
One summer day, I was around 6 years old when there was a flurry of activity in the house. Most of the family was out early on the sunny summer day helping make hay. I’m not sure why I wasn’t along, most likely because I wasn’t big enough to be helpful.
I heard the yelling.
I heard the dogs barking.
I knew something was wrong – terribly wrong.
I did what I knew to do.
I hid under the table.
Through bits and pieces of overhead conversation I learned my 9 yr old brother had been run over. We lived in a very rural area – too far for ambulances, too long ago for helicopter rescue. I heard dad and mom roar out of the yard in our of panelled station wagon.
I felt the fear that engulfed the household.
I didn’t know if he was dead. None of us did.
We weren’t a family that reached for each other in crisis.
No hands were held. No hugs given. No reassurance that everything was going to be all right.
Strangely enough, when I think back to that day, I realize, to this day, even though we are all in late adulthood – we have never talked about it.
Coping was about ignoring anything was wrong and going about your business. I probably don’t have to tell you that tendency has come back to bite me in the butt as an adult more than once.
In a perfect world, someone would have looked for me.
They would have known where I go to hide.
They would have bent down and found me, reaching their hand under the table to invite me out.
They would have held me. Rubbed my back. Answered my questions. And reassured me that we would be okay…together.
In a perfect world, someone would have looked for me. They would have known where I go to hide.
My experience is unique but the echoes of that day reverberate in most people’s trauma.
Functional MRI studies have shown that the pain centres of our brain light up when we are isolated. Naomi Eisenberger concluded “The brain experiences isolation as pain.” 1
Our threat response is magnified when we face threats alone.
Gabor Maté teaches that trauma is not the bad things that happen to us but the absence of connection that should have been there.
We are wired to be connected to a clan, a tribe, a family, a people.
Thousands of years ago, the author of that wiring, stated: ”Even though I walk through the valley of death, I will not fear because your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Or in the words of the message: ”Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I’m not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd’s crook makes me feel secure.”
Being fearless is not about having the resources within yourself to face whatever you are scared of. Being fearless comes from the security of who walks with you.
One of the exercises I do when clients bring up a traumatic memory is to walk through the memory slowly and add the presence of a nurturing adult figure.
Slowly envisioning how this child should have been responded to.
Taken care of.
Removed to safety.
Being fearless is not about having the resources within yourself to face whatever you are scared of. Being fearless comes from the security of who walks with you.
God saw what happened to you. You weren’t alone in the moment.
For some people that brings comfort. I recognize for many of you it may stir up pain. If He was there and all powerful, why did He allow that to happen?”
I won’t address this fully here as it encompasses the larger question about why bad things happen to good people.
I wonder today though if there is a part of your pain that you can open up to a God who saw.
Who saw.
Who witnessed
Who reaches for you and wants to walk with you to healing.
Can you take hold of that hand today and bring that part that felt so alone into his loving care.
May he like a shepherd carry you close to his heart. (Isaiah 40:11)
"He tends his flock like a shepherd. He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart." Isaiah 40:11
Journal Prompts or Ponderings
- When you read this, did a memory pop up in your mind of a time you were facing a difficult moment, diagnosis, situation and had to face it alone? Can you write about what happened? How you felt?
2. Are you feeling that aloneness now. Can you be honest with the Shepherd and tell him the pain you are currently feeling?
3. If you can, can you re-imagine what the moment would be like with a caring presence available to you? What shifts? What do/did you need in that moment?
Prayer:
Good Shepherd, life here on earth can be lonely.
That is not how you designed it.Thank you for the wisdom in creating us to need others. Forgive us for when we have relied too heavily on others and not enough on you.
Help us see where you have walked with us.
Help us open our painful memories up to you and envision your care in the midst of pain.
Thank you Shepherd for holding us close to your heart.
Amen
